Chapter Six
The dark was just beginning to settle. It was the time of day where the sun was reluctant to set, but the stars were already claiming the sky. The air smelled of danger and fear as I sat by my open window, arms tucked tightly into my sweatshirt. The autumn leaves shook in the wind, the scent of winter creeping into the air. The cuts on my arms were scars now, but the pain was as fresh as when the cuts were. My secret hung over my head like a dense storm cloud, ready to burst and drown me. I could hear my mother downstairs cleaning up the remains of dinner. I wanted to run down to her and fold myself into her arms and beg her to keep me safe, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want her to blame herself. After all, how would she have seen it coming when even I didn’t? But even as I asked myself that question, I knew I saw it coming. Well, maybe not that specifically, but I knew he was dangerous. I knew on the first date, and I was too stupid to end it.
No, I said to myself. Stupidity has nothing to do with it. I was hopeful. Yes, I was hopeful that maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t a monster. Even after the Event, I had tried and tried to tell myself that. Even when I saw the rage in his eyes during that cafeteria fight weeks ago, I told myself he wasn’t a monster. Maybe the lies I told myself were making me crazy…maybe I was already crazy to begin with. There was a soft tap on my door. I turned and saw my father in the doorway.
“Hi, sweetie. Someone’s here to see you.” My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. Collin stepped into my room and thanked my father. I watched in terror as my father left the room and shut the door behind him.
“What are you doing here,” I said in a low voice, trying to put as much distance between myself and him as I could. I stationed myself in front of my window, my hands braced on the windowsill for support.
“I’m here to apologize,” he said, stepping towards me.
“Stop,” I demanded, throwing my arms out in front of me. I refused to look at him, knowing he probably had that cocky grin on his face. “I don’t need your apologies. Just get the fuck out of my room.”
“Hey now, no need to be rude.” He took another step, sliding his arms around my waist. I tried to twist away from him.
“I told you to get out,” I hissed. “And I expect you to do so. I don’t need your apologies.”
“I hope you’re not trying to break up with me, Heaven. That would be a bad idea.”
“You know what, Collin?” I stared up at him in defiance. “I don’t fucking care. You can’t possibly do anything worse than you’ve already done, so I want you and your cocky attitude to get out of my life and stay out!” His grip around my waist was crushing. I shoved against his chest and pushed him away from me.
“You’re making a mistake,” he said, his face dark again.
“No, I’m not. Get out.” He stayed where he was. “Get OUT!” I screamed. “Get out!” I pushed at him and pushed and screamed, “Get out! Get the fuck out!” I slammed the door behind him. “And don’t fucking come back!”
There was a lot of commotion downstairs as I slid down to the floor, not sure whether to breathe a sigh of relief, or to break down into tears. I heard the footsteps pounding up my stairs and then the banging on the door.
“Heaven,” my mother shouted through the door. “What’s going on?” The doorknob rattled but the door didn’t open. “Heaven Elizabeth open this door!” I turned and jerked the door open and stared at my mother. “What just happened?”
I turned and sat down on my bed, shaking. “I broke up with him. That’s all.”
“How come,” she asked, sitting down next to me. “I thought everything between you two were fine.” I coughed out a laugh.
“No,” I said. “No, they’re not.”
“Well, wha-”
“I don’t want to get into it,” I interrupted. I felt like I was choking. I was both disgusted and proud of myself. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to cry. I wanted to jump for joy. I wanted to jump out the window. I wanted to tell her everything, now that I had the perfect opportunity. But instead I just leaned into her and let her put her arms around me.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered into my hair. A single tear slipped out and landed on my knee.
“I’m not,” I replied softly. I could tell she wanted to say something, but she stayed silent. I was grateful for that. I didn’t think I had the strength to talk anymore, or to fight, or to even try to act normal. I just sat in the safety of her arms and tried not to imagine tomorrow.
I knew what today was. I knew what was supposed to happen today. My legs shook on the way to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and began to undress. I stared at my underwear and felt nauseous at the sight of nothing. It could come later, I said to myself, rinsing the suds off my body. It could come tomorrow. It’s not always exactly on time.
My head was racing and my stomach was churning as I dressed for school in the usual garb of sweatpants and a long sleeved sweatshirt. These days I just didn’t bother looking nice. It got me in a lot of trouble already. I walked back to my room and pulled my scissors from underneath my mattress. I pushed my sleeve up and stared at my scars. It had been three and a half weeks since that blade last sliced through the delicate skin. But I found that I missed it. And I needed it. I needed something to get me through the day, with this fear hovering over my head. The blade pierced the translucent skin in the crook of my elbow and I watched blood swell and cover the white canvas. I squeezed my eyes shut and lashed at my arm over and over until couldn’t feel the sting anymore. Blood dripped onto the hardwood and the sound of the droplets hitting the floor was comforting. I wrapped the wounds as usual, pulled my sleeve down and hid the evidence. My secret was safe.
As soon as I entered the school building, I was on the hunt. I was looking for Brady. Brady, my safe haven, my security guard. Collin couldn’t do anything to me if Brady was there.
“Heaven!” His voice was like a lullaby. I turned and saw Brady pushing through the hallway. “Hey,” he said, hugging me close. “Your mom called me and told me you broke up with Collin.” I nodded. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head. “No,” I whispered. “I’m scared.” He took my hand and quickly led me down the hall to an empty classroom.
“What are you afraid of? Do you think he’ll do something in school?”
“I don’t know. I’m just scared. I don’t think you understand what he’s capable of.”
“Heaven. I know what he can do. I was there for the aftermath.” I flinched at the memory and pulled my arms around myself. “I’m sorry I mentioned that. I just…I worry. I’m afraid for you. We could always go to Principal Ward…”
“What’s that going to do, Brady? He can’t do anything about it without getting the police involved.” The bell for class buzzed, a long, droning beep. “I have to get to class.” I turned on my heel and walked down the hall. The halls were bustling with students making a beeline for class. I sat down in my usual seat and stared at my hands. As long as I thought I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be there. Maybe I could finish this year with a blindfold over my eyes.
When the bell finally rang, I lurched of my seat. If I could just keep my head down and barrel through the rest of the year, maybe it would be easier. I was just about to turn into the biology lab when I heard it. One of the cheerleaders walked by me and just as she passed me she said something.
“Sluuuttt”, she hissed, and she disappeared into the hall. I froze in place. What did she just say to me? I drifted into class and sank into my seat. Why did she say that? I didn’t even know who she was, other than the fact that she was friends with…..
The room started to spin as I pieced it together. I thought I would be sick. So this is how he was going to do it. He was going to start rumors. He was going to ruin my life. I put my head in my hands. Whatever. They’re just words. My life was ruined anyway so why did it matter. It probably wouldn’t get any worse than a few immature whispers anyway. I sank down in my seat and tuned everything out except the teacher. Just focus on grades, I told myself. Nothing else matters. If I just focus on that then I can tune out the world.
The rest of the day dragged on. Nothing else happened, and even better, Collin was nowhere to be found. I was walking home when someone covered my mouth, grabbed me from behind and pulled me into the ally. Collin pushed me up against the wall.
“Don’t scream,” he demanded. I looked up at him in terror, my whole body shaking. He took his hand off my mouth. “Listen to me, you fucking bitch. I know you told your little homo friend. I told you not to. And you made a big mistake by dumping me last night. Because now everyone is going to know the whore you really are.” He spat on my face and walked away. I stared after him, and then keeled over, vomiting. Pedestrians passed by, giving me quizzical looks, but I ignored them. Finally, a middle aged woman approached me.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” I looked up at her and wiped my mouth.
“Yeah,” I lied, standing up and staring at my shoes.
“Do you need help?” I looked up at her. Her eyes were wide with concern. She didn’t know what she was really asking. Yes, I thought, screaming inside.
“No,” I said. “I’ll be okay.”
When I got home, I was alone. I was relieved. I didn’t think I wanted anyone there for this. I booked it up the stairs, throwing my book bag onto my bed. I pulled out the little box and ran into the bathroom. The skinny white stick was terrifying to me. I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I wanted to know, but I was scared of what it would say.
I sat down and read the directions. My knees were shaking. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe nothing was wrong at all. I finished my thing and stared at the blinking window. My heart was pounding in my chest. Cold sweat broke out on my forehead. I put the little stick down and walked out of the bathroom. I couldn’t handle it right now. I couldn’t sit there and wait for the two endless minutes. I threw myself down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Eventually being still made me antsy. I made my bed. I arranged the pillows so they were pretty. I picked up the dirty laundry off my floor. I crawled underneath my bed and found three dollars and twenty eight cents in coins, a flip flop, a bottle of V8, and various articles of clothing. I organized my closet by color. When there was finally nothing left to do in my room, I dragged myself back to the bathroom.
The stick was still on the counter, challenging me. I was hoping that maybe it would have magically disappeared, and with it, everything else. I stared at it for a long time before I walked over and picked it up. My nerves were twisted into all sorts of knots. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I backed away from it. I couldn’t do it. I stepped back. But I had to do it. I had to know. Not knowing would be almost as bad as what that result could say. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. I opened my eyes. I looked into the tiny window. The world froze. Time literally stood still. I collapsed onto the floor, screaming and sobbing while I read that ominous word over and over again.
Pregnant.
