Should Have Said No--Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

                My mother kept me home from school on Monday to take me to my first prenatal appointment. I felt like an alien sitting among the other pregnant women, most of which looked like they were ready to give birth in their seats. When I walked in with my mom by my side, I felt their cold eyes staring at me like I was an insect. Teen pregnancy in this town was unheard of, and now that I’m here, in this office, it is obviously evident that I am nothing more than the town hussy.

                I sighed and turned the page of the magazine, staring at the picture of mother and newborn with mixed emotions. That definitely won’t be me, I thought to myself. I knew already that I didn’t even want to hold the child after I gave birth. I huffed and put the magazine down and crossed my arms. Mom patted my knee.

                “Are you okay, sweetie?”

                No. “Yeah, just a little nervous,” I replied.

                “You’ll be okay. It’s usually very quick. I’ll be right there, so if you get scared, you can just look at me. Okay?” I nodded, and a sudden wave of nausea swept over me and I made a beeline for the bathroom. I heaved over the toilet, fighting tears, knowing that this was morning sickness, proof that I really was carrying this demon thing. I wiped my mouth and rinsed in the sink. I stared curiously at my reflection, wondering how different I would look in a few months, wondering how far along I was. I dried my hands and headed back out to the waiting room, where my mother stood with a doctor.

                “Hi, Heaven,” the nurse greeted me pleasantly. “Dr. Sorino is ready to see you.” I looked at my mother nervously and followed the nurse down a long hallway. She led me into the room, where she instructed me to remove my jeans and panties and cover myself with the paper sheet. I waited until she closed the door behind her before removing my clothes.

                “How are you feeling,” my mother asked.

                “A little sick, to be honest,” I replied, hopping up onto the table. “All the equipment scares me.”

                “It’s a little intimidating,” she admitted. “But I promise it’s not as scary as it looks. Would you like me to explain it to you, or would you rather wait for the doctor?”

                Before I could answer, there was a soft tap on the door, and a short, thin woman with crazy blond curls stepped into the room. I stared at her for a minute, shocked. She looked almost my age. She was going to do this exam?  I shot my mother a quizzical look, which she returned with a shrug.

                “Hi, Heaven, I’m Dr. Sorino,” the young woman said, shaking my hand.  “How are you today?”

                Oh, I’m just great. I’m sitting here half naked on a table where God only knows how many other half naked women have sat, waiting for you to take a look-see at my personals.

                “I’m good, thanks.”

                “Good. We’re going to get started now, okay?” I nodded. “Did you drink the forty-eight ounces of water?” I nodded again. “Good,” she replied, booting up her computer. She then began to ask me the basic questions; date of birth, address, insurance policy. I answered robotically, stomach churning, until she finally asked me to lie back and put my feet in the stirrups. She pulled out a large rod-looking thing that was attached by a wire to the computer. I stared at it in horror.

                “That’s going in me?” I blurted before I could stop myself.

                “Just the first part--I’m going to cover it with a lubricated condom to make is less discomforting. See?” She demonstrated, as if it would make me feel better. It certainly didn’t. “Just lie back and relax, okay?”

                I nodded, and felt her beginning to slide the device it. I reflexively clenched my legs and tried to push it out. My mother squeezed my hand and stroked my hair, murmuring words of comfort. I relaxed a little and closed my eyes, trying to imagine myself anywhere but here. My mind wandered to Brady, and I blushed at the circumstance. I wondered what he was doing right now. Was he thinking about me?

                As the tube moved around inside me, searching, I thought about Collin. I wondered what he was doing right now. Was he thinking about me? I choked back nausea at the thought. I hoped he would forget about me, but I knew he wouldn’t. I squeezed my eyes tight, forcing his image out of my mind. I shouldn’t be thinking about him. Not here, not right now.

                “Okay, Heaven, I’ve found the fetus.” My eyes snapped open and I felt the blood drain from my face. This was real. She had proof. I turned my head and looked at the screen. Dr. Sorino pointed to a little clump in the corner, identifying the placenta and the embryonic sac. My head was spinning out of control. The proof was here, right in front of me. I wanted to look away, but I found that I couldn’t. I was mesmerized. I didn’t understand the emotions I was experiencing.

                “How far along is she,” my mother asked, breaking me out of my stupor.

                “I’d say she’s about twelve weeks.” Twelve weeks? I just missed my period a week ago…

                “That means you’re already in the second trimester,” my mother informed me. I nodded, suddenly exhausted. Dr. Sorino snapped a picture of the ultrasound and pulled the device out of me as the photo printed.

                “Okay, you’re all set, honey,” she said, passing me a paper towel to clean myself up with. “You can empty your bladder now.” I smiled a little at the terminology. Why couldn’t she just tell me I could go pee? My mother caught me smiling and flashed a huge grin of encouragement as Dr. Sorino left the room.  I wiped myself and got dressed.

                “I’ll meet you in the waiting room,” I told my mother, hurrying to the restroom. I stared at the ultrasound photo, finding it somehow impossible that this baby was inside me right now. Collin’s baby. I flushed and stared at my reflection. This is real, I said to myself. This is more real than anything else.

                The first thing I did when I got home was call Brady. I told him I was twelve weeks pregnant, and that I had a picture of the ultrasound. I asked him if he could come over, and when he said he would, I thanked him and hung up. I walked over to the mirror on the back of my closet door and lifted up my shirt. I stood sideways. There it was: a barely-distinguishable bump. Fuck. I felt tears brimming in my eyes, but I choked them back. This was no time for tears. I’m done crying, I told myself, fixing my shirt and laying down on my bed. If I was really going to go through with this pregnancy, I would have to stay strong.

                There was a soft knock on my door and my mother stepped into my room. Her face was drawn, as if she had something to tell me that she wasn’t looking forward to.

                “Are you okay?” I asked, propping myself up on my elbow. She took a deep breath and looked at me.

                “Daddy is in jail.”

                “What? Why?”

                She sighed, looking older somehow. “After what you told us on Thursday…I guess he didn’t handle it well.” She paused, waiting for me to interrupt her. When I didn’t, she continued. “Heaven, I don’t want you to be mad at him, but it’s okay if you are.”

                “Mom,” I cut in. “Just tell me what happened.”

                “He went to his house, Heaven.” My breathing stopped and my face paled. No. This couldn’t be happening. “He was trying to protect you…I don’t think he was in his right frame of mind. I guess Collin is in the hospital. His lawyer says that his face is almost unrecognizable…”

                “Wait,” I said, recovering from my shock. “His lawyer?”

                “That’s the worst part. His parents plan to sue for property damages and insurance payment. I’m going to try to bail him out. Do you want to come with me?”

                I shook my head. I didn’t want to get caught up in that. Everything was already enough of a mess now that my father was involved. I appreciated that he was protecting me, but at the same time I wished he’d had the common sense to realize this would cause me more problems in the long run.

                “Okay. Well, I just thought you should know. I’ll be back in a little while.” She stood and left the room. I listened to the click-clack of her heels in the kitchen as she searched for her keys. I heard the door close and the deadbolt lock and felt safe. Collin was in the hospital. He couldn’t come find me even if he wanted to. As terrible as it was, I smiled at that. For the time being, I was safe.

You.

You. You know who you are. You drain me, you. You exhaust me. You suck the life out of me. You, who used to sustain me, who used to give me life, you who used to give me a purpose, you are a parasite. Latch on, is what you do. You latch on and you suck me dry. You haunt me when I sleep, when I replenish my lost energy, and when I awake, you drain me again. You, with your blue eyes, so convincing, so sad when they want to be, you take hold, and you control. You, so innocent and unaware, are taking my life out of thin air. You, strong and powerful, you have hands bigger than mine. You, with your strong biceps and fierce temper, you retaliate when I strike. You, you are stronger than I, and you hurt me more than I ever could. You. You are a presence. You are there, everyday, all the time, even when you're not. You make me happy. You make me cry. You give my life meaning, you suck it away. You parasite. I hate you. You.

Should Have Said No--Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

            Brady and I sat in his living room, surrounded by half empty packages of Twizzlers and Hershey Bar wrappers. The Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special buzzed in the background as I tore apart the last chocolate bar. I found that the smoothness of the sweet candy calmed my nerves and cleared my head.

            On the walk over here, I had decided to tell Brady that I was pregnant. I couldn’t keep carrying around the heaviness of a secret, something that was more of a burden than the demon growing in my body. It disgusted me to think about it, but I pushed that irrelevant thought aside and cleared my throat.

            “Brady, I came here to tell you something,” I began. “It’s scary and nerve-racking and infuriating, even, but I need you to just stay calm. Anything other than that will be too much for me. Can you do that?” Brady nodded, but I could see the tension in his eyes.

            I took a deep breath that felt like it came from my toes.

            “I’m pregnant.” I let the words sink in. I waited patiently as a flurry of emotions danced across my best friend’s face. Shock, naturally. Then came anger, sadness, blistering fury, and defeat. He was crushed, I could see that. He took my hand and held it to his face.

            “That’s why the girls have been saying stuff to you,” he said at last. I nodded. “I’m assuming you’ve made the decision to keep it?” Again, I nodded. “Have you told him yet?”

            I sighed. “Yeah, I didn’t really have a choice. He was bound to find out sooner or later, right?”

            “Are you going to give it up? For adoption, I mean?”

            “I don’t know yet. Probably. This whole pregnancy thing it going to destroy me, though.” I leaned back and threw my arm over my eyes. “I feel like it already is.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “It’s hard to explain. It’s like…It’s like a parasite or something. It needs me to survive and live, but I don’t want it. How can I care for something that I don’t want? I tried abortion already, but clearly that didn’t work out.” I heaved another sigh. “I don’t know if this decision means I’m weak or strong. I guess we’ll just have to find out.” Brady tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

            “Heaven, you don’t even know how strong you are. You should be proud of yourself for still being here.”

            I rolled my eyes. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could just fade away into the background the way I used to. I know this is just the beginning. If I’m having such a hard time now, can you even imagine how I will be in a few months?”

            “Don’t worry about that right now,” Brady said. “We have other things we need to focus on.”

            “Like what?” I asked.

            “Have you told your parents yet?” I could see where this was going.

            “No.”

            “Well, I think you should, and soon. It’s better for them to know through you than to find out through someone else. It’s a small town, Heaven. It won’t take too long for word to get to them.”

            I sighed in defeat. He was right. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was right.

            “Come with me?”

            For whatever reason, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was intruding in my own home. The tension in the air didn’t fit with the scent of warm apple pie and nutmeg. My mother sat in a crumpled heap on the floor, tears pouring down her face. My father was a stone cold cement block. I sat on the sofa, numb to my bones, trying to blur out the scene I felt so guilty for causing. Next to me, Brady sat holding my hands tightly in his own. When I was telling my parents, he had let me squeeze his hand as hard as I needed to whenever I was saying something that was particularly difficult. I had watched in utter heartbreak as confusion and then horror and finally anguish crossed over my mother’s face. I had watched a permanent expression of fury settle onto my father’s.

            I surprised myself by staying calm. At first, I had felt like I was choking. The words had seemed impossible to say, but with Brady’s gentle probing, the words came out a little smoother. My mother was in disbelief at first. Denial, I suppose you could call it. Eventually she just broke down. I didn’t know what was worse-telling them I was pregnant, or telling them I planned on keeping the pregnancy.

            Finally, my mother spoke. “What are you going to do,” she asked, wiping her eyes with a tissue. I took a deep breath.

            “I’ve decided to go through with the pregnancy. I’m going to give it up for adoption. I tried to…terminate the pregnancy already, but I couldn’t go through with it. I guess just the idea of killing something that didn’t choose to be here is just as bad as what he did.” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my father squeezing his eyes shut and pinching the bridge of his nose, as if he were trying to push some God-awful image out of his mind.

            “Okay,” my mother sighed, as if she had suddenly aged a hundred years. She stood up and embraced me. I stood with my arms by my sides, unsure of how to react. It was a hug from my mother, nothing to be scared of. I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled her soft, feminine scent, a smell that reminded me of the woods in spring.

            “I love you, Heaven. I’m proud of you for coming to us.”

            I shrugged. “What other choice did I have?” My mother pulled away and looked at me, cupping my face in her hands.

            “You would have carried this burden on your own, honey. I know you.” She turned to Brady. “Did you know about this?” His eyes darted to mine nervously before he nodded.

            “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he apologized. “She wanted to tell you herself, and I couldn’t betray her trust like that.” Mom nodded in understanding and turned to the phone.

            “I’m going to call a friend of mine. She’ll be able to help you. Can you go upstairs and get dressed for me? Everyone will be getting here soon. Let’s just grin and bear it tonight, okay?” I nodded, and taking Brady’s hand, slowly made my way upstairs. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but notice that my father still hadn’t moved.