Should Have Said No--Chapter 5

Chapter Five

            I woke up holding Brady’s hand. You’d think that in the night you relax. I guess I didn’t. My sleep was haunted by nightmares that turned into terrors when I imagined Collin at the window. The comfort in knowing I was safe and sound with Brady there must have lulled me back to sleep. I watched him for a moment. His hair was tossed over his face, blowing with his breath. Even in his sleep he looked scared and worried. As terrible as it sounded, it provided me comfort knowing how much he cared about me.

            I tossed the covers aside and nudged Brady with my toe. He stirred.

            “Brady, we have to go to school.” Just the thought terrified me. I wanted to tell my mother what was happening, what happened to me. I wanted to tell her that I was a ghost and I was searching for my body and it just couldn’t be found. I wanted her to pull me out of school and tutor me. I wanted her to say that college can wait, that my life can be paused so I can pull myself together. Lies were what I needed right now.

            Brady was slowly waking up. I guess I never thought he wasn’t a morning person. I guess little details like that eluded me until now, where every little detail about a man was subject to my immediate scrutiny.

            “I’m going to go take a shower,” I said shyly. “You should probably sneak out the window so my mom doesn’t flip.” Brady stood.

            “Are you okay?” I looked down at my feet. Should I lie? Or should I tell him that I know what it feels like to lose your soul? Should I tell him that it feels like being ripped apart from the inside out, until only your scars are left behind?

            “I guess so…” was all I could manage. Brady put his arms around me. I kept mine at my sides, hoping he understood. He kissed my forehead and told me he’d see me soon. I watched him slip out the window, remembering how stealthy Collin was just eighteen- and- a- half hours ago. I shuffled into the bathroom. I faced the mirror and began to undress. I was afraid of what I would see, but for some reason I felt I had to. As the steam fogged up the mirror, I examined the angry red slashes that extended from the crook of my left arm down to my wrist. Both my wrists were a violent mixture of bruises and blood as I peeled off the gauze Brady had wrapped around them. My face was slightly bruised again from when Collin had slapped me. My ankles had bracelets of burn marks that mirrored the ones on my wrists. My eyes were empty. I couldn’t find myself anywhere in this reflection. I was a stranger to myself.

            I stood in the shower and let the scalding hot water pour over my body. I imagined that I was being purified, that everything Collin left me was being washed down the drain. As I scrubbed my skin, a sudden thought hit me and I dropped my pouf in a panic.

            Collin hadn’t used a condom.

            I didn’t want to go to lunch. I didn’t have the energy to face whatever events may occur. I already used a crapload lying to my mother again. I was afraid that she was going to dig the truth out of me and be angry that I didn’t tell the truth. I didn’t want to fear anything else, but I knew he was going to be there. I knew he was going to approach me. I knew I would freeze up and sit in petrified silence.

            Turns out, that’s not what happened at all.

            He approached, as I knew he would. He put his arms over my shoulders and leaned down, kissing my neck. I froze and swallowed my vomit. I was expecting this, and yet my body was still in shock. What I wasn’t expecting was Brady. He was down at the other end of the cafeteria, getting a fork for his macaroni.

            And suddenly he was right there.

            “You fucking piece of shit!” he bellowed, sprinting up to our table. He grabbed Collin by his collar and started beating the crap out of him. Collin threw him down on the table and smashed Brady’s head on the tabletop. Kids were running out of the way and standing in a circle around the fight. Some kids were running for help. All I could hear was the sound of fist hitting flesh.

            Brady was winning so far. He had Collin on the ground and was repeatedly punching him to emphasize what he was saying.

            “Don’t—ever—fucking—touch—her—again!”

            “STOP!” I screamed, pulling at my hair. “Stop fighting!” I jumped into the fight and tried to pull Brady off of Collin.

            “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?” Principal Ward’s booming voice made time stand still. I backed away. Everyone froze where they were, except for Collin and Brady, who were still engaged in a brutal fistfight with absolutely no signs of easing up. Two hall monitors and the principal fought with Brady to pull him off of Collin. Brady had a split lip and a shallow gnash in the back of his head from when Collin slammed him against the table. I could see a shiner forming, on that kind of looked like mine. Collin was in far worse shape. His whole face was swelling from the bruises and his lip was split in three places. It was fair to say that Brady won this one.

            “That bastard deserved it,” Brady said in disgust.

            “I don’t care,” Ward replied. “In my office. Now.” I stared in shock as the two hall monitors roughly grabbed onto Brady’s shirt collar and practically dragged him out of the cafeteria. I watched in in disgust as students gathered around Collin, helping him up and asking if he was okay. If he was okay. No one acknowledged me there, battered and bruised. No one acknowledged the words that had come out of Brady’s mouth. Everyone surrounded this popular football prodigy and murmured words of comfort.

            “Fucking psycho,” Collin growled, looking over his shoulder at me. His glare was fire and ice, burning through to my blood and freezing my veins. I would pay for this later, I knew it. He was going to give me hell. His eyes burned through me, and I knew exactly what they said. I’ll get you, bitch.

            I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the room, making a beeline for the principal’s office. I ignored the protests from his secretary and burst into his office.

            “Principal Ward!” I shouted. He looked up in surprise. Brady turned around and stared.

            “Ms. Roberts, I’m a little busy at the moment. Whatever it is, I’m sure it can wait--”.

            “No, sir,” I interrupted, “It can’t.” The principal raised his eyebrows at me. “Please.” He gestured for me to sit down. I sat. Brady took my hand and squeezed it. He looked at me as if to say, you don’t have to do this. I knew I had to.

            “Look,” I began in a shaky voice. My hands were trembling. Brady squeezed them in comfort. “Brady had every right to do what he did. I know Collin is my…boyfriend. Or he was, anyway.” I took a deep breath. Shit this was hard. “You see, I need to end my relationship with him. I should have ended it before it began. Collin…well he isn’t who you think he is, Mr. Ward. You see this bruise?” Immediately his eyes darted to my left eye. Concern flashed across his face. “He gave this to me.” Mr. Ward gasped. “He gave me one last week, too. The first time he raped me.” And when that sentence escaped my lips, it was like vomit. I keeled over, sobbing over the word, unable to contain the emotion tearing through my skin. Brady wrapped his arms tight around me while I forced myself to breathe.

            “You didn’t have to do that,” Brady whispered in my ear.

            “Yes I did, “ I hissed back. I stood up straight again and stared Mr. Ward down.

            “Have you gone to the police?” He looked like he couldn’t tell if he was shocked, concerned, or both.

            “No.” He opened his mouth to protest. “And I don’t intend to,” I said, interrupting whatever he was about to say. “I just don’t want Brady to get in trouble. He was just trying to protect me. I don’t want him to get in trouble for that.” I took Brady’s hand and walked out of the office.

            “Hey,” he said, stopping and turning to hug me. “Thank you. You didn’t have to that.”

            “Yeah, I did. Stop saying I didn’t. It’s the least I can do.” After all, I thought to myself, what else could I do? He was risking everything he could to keep me safe. The least I could do was protect him from the consequences. I already knew that we would end up sharing bruises in this fight against my demon.

Should Have Said No--Chapter 4

Chapter Four

            The days passed by in slow motion. My bruise healed but my soul was still broken. Collin continued to act like everything was fine. I went to his house every day after school, and sometimes, things were good. He’d tickle me and kiss me on the mouth while I laughed, and it was easy to forget that he was a monster inside. It was when I went home at night that I’d fall apart, consumed by the raw agony of the Event.  I found myself skipping classes experiencing fatigue and headaches whenever the flashbacks hit, unable to attend class. And the one day I went home to feel safe, I quickly discovered I wasn’t.

            I might have been dreaming when there was a soft tap on my door, but I couldn’t tell. I barely remembered what a dream was, now that I was living a nightmare. I lifted my head and saw my mother at the door.

            “Yeah, come in,” I mumbled sleepily, sitting up. I pulled the sleeve of my sweatshirt down, making sure my cuts were covered. If she saw them she would have me committed and I would have to talk to a group of strangers about what happened. I would much rather keep this coping skill to myself.

 My mother came and sat down on my bed. She was dressed in her work clothes.

            “I thought you didn’t have work today,” I pointed out.

            “I don’t. A client called with an emergency, so I have to go in. Will you be okay while I’m gone?”

            No, I wanted to say. The idea of being alone terrified me. Being alone meant I wasn’t protected. And Collin knew where I lived. And I didn’t know if he would try to show up here.

            “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I lied, fighting the urge to cry. My mother reached out and stroked my face.

            “You’ll call me if you need anything? If you need me to come home or anything…”

            “I’ll be fine,” I lied again. “Go to work, you’ll be late.”

            She kissed my forehead and walked out of the room.  I curled up deep beneath my covers until I heard the front door shut. I bolted down the stairs and locked the front door, making sure I slid the chain lock. I ran to the back door and dead bolted it, along with the garage door. I locked all the windows on the first floor and hurried back up the stairs. Even though I secured the house, I still felt unsafe. I picked up my phone from my nightstand and sent Brady a text.

            HOME ALONE. PLEASE COME OVER?

            I took my phone with me into the bathroom and ran the hot water in the shower until the room was filled with thick steam. I sat down on the floor, letting the steam engulf me, swallow me, and pierce my lungs with its blistering heat. My phone buzzed.

            I’LL BE RIGHT OVER.

            I breathed a sigh of relief and shut the water off. I shuffled back to my room and crawled into bed.

            LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU’RE HERE AND I’LL UNLOCK THE DOOR, I texted back. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I tried to think back to when I was in Elementary school and I didn’t know who Collin Michaelson was. I tried to think back to the day before he asked me out. Who was I on that day? My memory was foggy. The event left no trace of who I used to be. I was corrupted. I was a stranger to my own eyes. I started to doze off, worn out from crying and worrying. I was vaguely aware of a strange sound in my room, but I was already frozen in the mental state of not knowing the difference between dreams and reality.

            I felt my bed sink down a little, and I tried to pull myself out of my dream state, but I was too tired. I felt a large, warm hand traveling up my sweatshirt and under my bra. I squirmed, trying to escape the nightmare. I felt warm lips on mine, and a tongue pushing into my mouth. I bit down on it, and was jolted awake by a hard smack across the face. My eyes snapped open to see Collin’s face hovering above mine.

            It’s a nightmare, I told myself. You’ll wake up soon. It won’t last long. It’s just a nightmare.

            He reached for the backpack behind him and pulled out a bandana. He came prepared? What the fuck kind of bastard planned this? I tried to scream, but the fabric gagged me before I could. He pinned me down and tied my wrists to my headboard with some rope. I screamed through the bandana, knowing that no one would be able to hear me. 

            “Please try to be quiet,” Collin murmured, tying down my legs. I sobbed hysterically in response. “See, behavior like that is only going to make it worse.” How could it get worse, I asked myself. I was defenseless. I was open to being destroyed. I couldn’t fight back, even if I wanted to. I pulled against the rope bonds, but all that did was chafe my skin. He slide my pants off and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to pretend that this wasn’t happening again. I didn’t know who this man was. I thought it was the senior football captain, Collin Michaelson. But this man possessing me, controlling me, dominating me, was a demon. A nightmare.

            At this point, I knew I wouldn’t wake up from a nightmare, because it wasn’t a nightmare. This was real life. I screamed and sobbed into the bandana and struggled against the bonds that rendered me helpless. I wished I knew why he was doing this to me. I wished I knew how I couldn’t see it. I wished I knew how to escape him. As he pushed into me, hard and painful, I lay there, numb, trying to ignore the pressure and the raw pain. I was a doll to him. I wasn’t a human being. I wasn’t a woman. I was a doll that he felt he could do whatever he wished to.

            When he finished, he untied me. I lay motionless, spread-eagle, dazed. He pulled my pants back up. I didn’t see anything but fuzz. My world was a blur a kaleidoscope of black and white chaos that was impossible to understand. He leaned over and whispered in my ear.

            “And that’s all you’re good for, bitch”. He kissed my neck and climbed out the window as stealthily as he came in.

            I stared at the ceiling and was vaguely aware of my phone buzzing. It was probably Brady asking me to let him in. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even think. I was a doll. His little doll that he can play with whenever he wants. I was supposed to be safe here. I knew now I wasn’t. I thought back to a time where I was safe no matter where I went- when my hair was in two braids and my dresses swished at my knees. When I was a child I was always safe. I didn’t know there were dangers in life. I didn’t know that people like Collin existed, and that these people can do what he does. All I knew about life was that in the summer it was hot and the air tasted like ocean and sunshine, and there were colors and sounds that taught me about beauty. I knew that those colors became brilliant in the fall when the chill crept into the air and the scent of foliage permeated all around me. I knew that fall turned into winter, a brutal, cold three or four months that smelled of fire, family, and fleece blankets.

  I heard a sound downstairs, like a crash, and then footsteps pounding up the stairs. The image in my head faded away and my heart lurched in my chest, jumping up into my throat in choked fear. My door flew open and Brady burst into my room. He took in the scene before him. The curtains were flapping in the breeze, and I was still tied to the bed. Collin didn’t clean up very well, as prepared as he was. My body hung limp from my restraints, my wrists and ankles raw and bleeding. The bandana was still in my mouth, keeping me from crying out for help.

            Brady ran up to the bedside screaming, “Heaven! Heaven what happened?” He pulled the gag out of my mouth and I began to sob hysterically. He took in the rope that held me down, the surrender in my body, the state of my unbuttoned jeans, sloppily pulled up around my hips. “Heaven…” He began to cry to. He took my scissors and sawed at the rope. “Oh my God,” he whispered, seeing the angry red slashes on my arm. “What happened to you?”

            He finished sawing and I was free. I collapsed on the floor and curled into a ball. I opened my lungs and began to scream. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Brady knelt down next to me and tried to put his arm around me, but I only screamed louder. I didn’t know that I could ever let a man touch me again. I wanted this nightmare to end, and I was going to end it. I didn’t know how, and I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty, but it had to stop.

            “Heaven,” Brady begged, “Please…what happened?”

            I sobbed and sobbed and hugged my knees close to me as if they were the only things that were keeping me alive.

            “He raped me,” I breathed, barely a whisper, barely a breath. The word was a curse on my lips, a demon, and a stranger that was unspoken until now. It was foreign and didn’t sound right. The word made my blood turn cold and my mind was invaded by the endless memories of the past week. Brady’s face turned ghost white and I could feel him trembling.

            “What?” His voice was almost as nonexistent as mine. “What did he do?” I just shook my head. I couldn’t say it again.

            “Who.” It wasn’t a question. I knew he already knew who it was. I felt the waves of tension rolling off of him like a tsunami. I started whimpering again, anxiety creeping up on me like a shadow. He put his arms around me and I panicked. I thrashed around uncontrollably, screaming and sobbing, but he didn’t let me ago. Finally I sank into his arms, crying empty tears.

            “He just left, didn’t he?” he asked. I nodded, trying not to imagine it again. He stroked my hair in comfort and despite what I thought, I faded into his embrace and I actually felt safe. I knew Brady wouldn’t hurt me. I was safe with him. Maybe only him, for the rest of my life. He examined the burn marks on my wrists and ankles.

            “C’mon,” he said softly, “let’s go take care of those, okay?” He led me into the bathroom and unearthed the gauze and medical tape, and with the tenderness of a lover, wrapped the wounds. He stared at me for a very long time. I couldn’t meet his gaze. “Do you want to go to the police?”

            I shook my head violently. I just wanted to forget this happened. He understood. I don’t know how long we sat there in the bathroom, but we didn’t move until the front door opened and I heard the familiar sound of my mother’s footsteps in the hallway. I knew she wouldn’t come in. she probably assumed I was sleeping and didn’t want to disturb me. Brady cautiously took my hand and I looked up at him and I knew he saw the broken spirit. His eyes filled with tears and he picked me up and tucked me into bed.

            “Please stay,” I whispered, unwilling to let go of his hand. My safe haven. My best friend. I needed him. I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t face the morning by myself. “Don’t go…I can’t be alone. Please…”

            “Okay, sweetie,” he murmured, kissing my forehead. I flinched, and sorrow crept into his features. He knelt down by the bed, holding my hand, refusing to look away. “I’m so sorry this happened, Heaven.” My eyes started to droop. I wanted to answer him, but I was so tired. I was consumed by fatigue and I imagine sleeping forever and escaping what happened. I knew that was impossible but at this point my psyche couldn’t handle rationalization. As my consciousness began to fade, Brady continued to speak. “I should have protected you more.” I could hear the tears in his voice. He sniffed. “I should have been there. I know he did it more than once. I know he gave you that bruise. I should have done more…” His voice faded away as I began to drift off to sleep. He stroked my hair softly and began to sing softly.

            “Nothing’s gunna harm you, not while I’m around. Nothing’s gunna harm you, no sir, not while I’m around…”

Should Have Said No--Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I didn’t tell anyone what happened. I took this event and locked it away, deep in my chest. I lied to my mother and father about the bruise on my face, left by the fury of Collin’s hand, telling them someone accidentally threw a basketball at my face. I wrapped an ace bandage around my arm and put on a sweatshirt. No one was ever going to know about this.

            I didn’t know how I was going to go to school with him there. I didn’t know what he was telling people. I was afraid to end the relationship for fear he would hit me again. I’d seen the videos in Wellness my sophomore. I knew relationships like this were bad. I knew I was a coward. I knew it would be best and safest to leave, but he had this secret, too. I couldn’t let him share it. I couldn’t let him make me sound dirtier.

            After I had cleaned up my floor of the blood, I’d taken a shower. A scalding hot shower. I wanted to wash every impurity off of me. I wanted to wash his smell off my skin. I scrubbed and scrubbed my skin, trying to wash the Event away. I tried to wash down there, but no matter how hard I scrubbed, I still felt dirty. The burning water had stung the angry slashes on my arm. When the water was finally cold, I turned it off.

            Now I stared at myself. I barely recognized my own reflection. Yesterday I had been a completely different girl. Yesterday, I was alive. I had energy and youth and a spirit to declare freedom. Today I was dead. I was drained and I felt a thousand years older. My eyes were empty. I couldn’t see the girl I was anywhere. I hadn’t bothered with makeup, and my hair was thrown up in a messy bun. I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and trudged downstairs.

            “Honey, are you okay?” my mother asked in the car. “I’m really worried about you.”

            “I’m fine,” I mumbled, staring out the window without seeing anything.

            “Are things with Collin okay?” My stomach jumped to my throat. I swallowed hard.

            “They’re fine,” I lied. She pulled up in front of the school.

            “You know you can talk to me, Heaven. I don’t want you to think you can’t.”

            I felt tears in my eyes. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to be folded into her arms where I knew I’d be safe and secure. I wanted to cry until I had no tears left. But I couldn’t.

            “I’m fine,” I managed to choke out. I hurried out of the car and into the school without giving her a chance to respond. I didn’t want to look back for fear that I would succumb to the childish need and desperation to fall into her lap and cry my pain onto her shoulders.

            I looked around at all the students. They pushed past me on the way to class. They loitered at their lockers, talking with their friends. They laughed and joked around. I felt like a stranger among them. Could they tell? Did they know that there was a ghost walking with them? Or was I just as invisible as I always was?

            I was on my way to my second period class when I saw him. He was laughing with his friends. I felt my skin grow hot as he caught my eye and winked at me.

“Hey,” he called across the hall. He shrugged off the wall and sauntered up to me. I felt myself shrinking into my body, trying to escape. He approached me and wrapped his arms around my waste, his breath on my face. I tried not to throw up. He pulled my close against him as I tried to push him away. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “You know better than to squeal. You know you liked it.” I felt my soul screaming. “And you’re going to keep liking it.”

I backed away from him, watching the grin spread across his face like he was so fucking proud of himself. I turned and dashed into the girl’s bathroom and threw up. I wiped my mouth and sobbed quietly. How could he act like nothing happened? Even worse, how can he act like he wasn’t wrong when he knew what he did? I fell back against the stall door, hugging my sides, trying to keep myself together. I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. I pulled the scissors out of my bag and unwrapped my arm. I drew the blade hard against the soft skin and watched it bleed. I imagined the Event leaving my body. I felt better.

            I rewrapped the fresh wound and continued on with my day. I was relieved that I didn’t share any classes with Collin. I wouldn’t be able to survive the day. I hardly ever saw him, actually, except at lunch. That’s when he attacked again

            I was staring into space when Brady took my hand and sat down at the table. I jumped.

            “Heaven, what’s wrong?” Brady’s brow furrowed in concern. “You look…oh my God! What happened to your face?!”

            “I’m fine,” I mumbled. It seemed like I was saying that a lot lately. I tried to pull my hand away, but he held on.

            “I know you. You’re not fine. You have a huge bruise on your face…Did something happen?”

            “Nothing happened,” Collin’s voice said from behind me. My blood turned to ice and my face paled. “Right Heaven?” He rubbed my shoulders and I thought I would be sick again.

            “Nothing happened,” I lied, forcing a smile. Brady watched the encounter in angry silence. Collin kissed my neck. I fought the urge to scream.

            “What did you do to her,” Brady suddenly demanded. Collin stared him down.

            “I didn’t do anything,” Collin replied coolly, and went back to my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut. I’m not here, I told myself. I’m at home, sleeping. This is just a dream. I’ll wake up soon.

            “That’s bullshit!” Brady said. “Fucking bullshit! I can see her! Look at her face!” Collin let go of my shoulders and towered over Brady.

            “Mind your fucking business,” Collin growled menacingly. He grabbed my arm and yanked me out of my seat and into a secluded hallway outside of the cafeteria.

            “Now listen to me, you little slut,” he snarled, slamming me against a locker. “You will not tell anyone. Especially your friend.”

            “Please let go of me,” I begged softly, not looking at him.

            “Stay away from him,” he ordered, throwing me to the ground. “If I find out you’re putting out to him, too, then you’re dead.” He looked around quickly to make sure no one saw before he stormed off. I took out my cell phone.

            “Mommy? Hi, can you come get me? Yeah, I don’t feel good.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “Pleas e come. Okay. Thank you.” I ran down the stairs and hid in the girl’s bathroom until my mother came. I would go home. I would stay with her. I would be safe.

Should Have Said No--Chapter 2

This may be very emotion for some readers.

Chapter Two

            “So, how was your hot date?” Brady flopped down into the chair next to me as I picked at my chicken tenders. The cafeteria was buzzing with typical high school drama, and my mind wandered back to Collin’s frightening behavior on Friday night. Well, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be telling Brady about that. He’s not too fond of Collin as it is. A few tables away, a group of cheerleaders glared at me. Brady followed my gaze. “Looks like Collin’s ex wants to be your friend.”

            “Yeah, I’m sure she does,” I snorted. “My date was okay.”

            “Just okay?” He threw his arm around me. “C’mon, give me more details. There must have been some good old-fashioned snogging.” I laughed as he puckered up his lips and made loud kissy sounds at me.

            “You’re so weird,” I giggled, pushing him away. Suddenly, there was a large hand on his shoulder. We both looked up and saw a very angry Collin.

            “I suggest you keep your hands off of her,” he snarled. Brady held his hands up in surrender.

            “Hey, bro, cool it,” Brady said. “We’re just goofing around.”

            “Collin, this is my best friend, Brady,” I intervened. “We’re just friends. Don’t be so uptight.” He turned to glare at me as well, but I stared him down. I refused to be intimidated. Collin held my gaze for a moment before his expression softened.

            “Sorry, babe,” he apologized sheepishly, swooping down to kiss me. “Strike two, right?” I laughed.

            “Strike two. Another one and you’re out.” I punched him playfully on the arm. He tousled my hair and kissed my cheek.

            “I’ll pick you up after school.” He turned to Brady. “No hard feelings, right?” He slapped him on the back and loped off. Brady turned to me, a confrontational look in his eyes.

            “What the fuck was that about?” he demanded fiercely. I looked down at my chicken, wishing I could tell him about Friday but knowing I couldn’t.

            “It’s nothing,” I muttered. “He’s just sensitive. That’s all.” Brady gaped at me.

            “Sensitive?” he repeated. “Are you serious right now?? Heaven, that is not simple sensitivity!” I refused to meet his gaze. “You’ve only been with him for three days and he’s already acting like a possessive jerk.”

            “It’s nothing,” I snapped. I immediately felt bad. “Look, I’m sorry. I just think you may be…overreacting a little.”

            “That may be so,” Brady agreed, “But I’m worried. Just be careful.” He paused and reached out to touch my hand. “I have a bad feeling about him. Just promise me you’ll be careful? I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

            “I promise,” I said, and then the bell rang and he vanished into the crowd.

            I wandered from class to class in a daze. I could barely concentrate at all with my head whirling around in endless circles. I really liked Collin. Most of the time he was sweet and funny. He called me every night over the weekend to say goodnight, and on Sunday night he showed up at my house with a bouquet of roses, and well, that was really sweet. But then there was that dark side. The jealous side that darkened his face and brought anger to his eyes. He seemed like someone who liked to be in control, and he seemed possessive, like Brady said. And it was a scary thought, but I knew I could be getting myself into something that would be hard to get out of. I didn’t know how to avoid it. He seemed to have some vendetta against Brady, but I wasn’t about to ditch my best friend. Collin would just have to learn to like him.

            The final bell rang and I hurried out of the building. Collin was bringing me to meet his parents today. The thought was very intimidating. His father was probably very strict and his mother was probably a devout catholic. I probably would look like some demon child to them.

            Collin pulled up to the curb and I hopped in the car.

            “Nervous?” he asked.

            “A little,” I admitted. I was more worried about pushing his invisible buttons again.

            “Don’t be.” He took my hand and kissed it. We pulled into the driveway. Surprisingly, his house was average. I felt a lot more at ease knowing he didn’t live in a gargantuan mansion like I assumed he did. Collin put his arm around my waist and led me inside. The door opened to an open dining-kitchen area. To the far left of the dining room there was a staircase that led upstairs. That’s where he was pulling me.

            “Where are we going?” I asked.

            “Up to my room,” he replied. “I wanna show you my guitar.”

            “You play guitar?” I was impressed.

            “I’m just a beginner,” He said, pulling me into his room. It looked like what I assumed most teenage boys’ room looked like: messy. Laundry was scattered on the floor and football trophies littered the shelves. A Gibson acoustic guitar leaned against the wall by the window.

            “She’s beautiful,” I gasped, stepping towards it. “It is a she, right?” Collin laughed and grabbed my hand, pulling me towards him. He wrapped his arms around my waist.

            “Yes, it’s a she. And she is beautiful.” He paused. “But you’re more beautiful,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss me. My arms wound tightly around his neck as he deepened the kiss. His body was hard and masculine against mine. He pushed me down onto the bed, kissing down my neck. His lips brushed my collar bone. I shuddered.

            “You like that,” he whispered huskily. “Let’s see if you like this.” His hand travelled over my chest, down my stomach, and slipped up my skirt and between my legs.

            “No, thanks,” I said with a laugh, pushing his hand away. He continued to kiss my neck as his hand returned up my skirt.

            “Collin, quit it,” I demanded, trying to squirm away. He kept me in place.

            “It’s fine, babe, you’ll like this,” he replied, tugging my underwear off.

            “Collin, stop,” I shouted, hoping his parents would hear and come upstairs.

            That’s when he hit me.

            His hand struck my cheek like a viper, stinging the soft flesh. Before I could react, he pinned me down. I tried to scream, but he covered my mouth. I hit him continuously on the back, but it had no effect on him. His back was solid muscle. He took both my wrists in his hand while he unzipped his pants. I took the opportunity to scream bloody murder and thrash around as much as I could. Where were his parents?? He hit me again.

            “Shut up, you little bitch!” I whimpered and sobbed and tried to scream again, but his hand covered my mouth as he slid into me. I tried to close my legs and push him out, but he was too strong. He pushed hard into me, tearing the flesh that made me innocent. I thrashed around, screaming and sobbing into his hand. Where were his parents, I thought, giving up the fight. Why didn’t they come?

            His breath was hot and frantic on my neck as he pushed against me. I just laid there, numb, until he pulled out and I felt hot liquid spray across my belly. He reached to stroke my face, but I turned away and curled into a ball. I sobbed quietly while he fixed himself.

            “Babe,” he said, reaching for me. I stiffened at his touch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…you wanted it!” He was angry again. I cringed away from him.

            “I want to go home now,” I whispered, so softly I wasn’t sure he’d hear me. I wiped my eyes and picked up my bag. I stood and remembered my underwear when I felt blood trickling down my leg. I pulled them on. “Please take me home.”

            Collin sighed and after a moment headed down the stairs. Like the first date, the ride was silent. I stared blankly out the window. When he pulled up in front of my house, he leaned towards me for a kiss. I flinched away. His expression darkened again.

            “Get out,” he snarled. I hurried out of the car and bolted inside. i locked the door behind me and hears the tires squeal as he sped down the street. No one was home, to my relief. I climbed up the stairs and curled up on my bedroom floor.

            What just happened to me, I asked myself. I could feel the emotions raging. The anger. The hate. The betrayal. The disgust. The pain. He took what wasn’t his. I could have fought harder. I could have stopped him. But I didn’t. I was too weak. Too pathetic. Pathetic.

Pathetic.

I walked over to my mirror and stared into my own eyes. Mascara dripped down my face, staining the white canvas with black misery. An angry black and purple bruise was beginning to form on the left side of my face, my eye squinting at me, asking me why this happened.

 I looked on my bed and saw my sewing scissors. I grabbed them and sat on my bed. I had heard of girls doing this but I never understood why. It was foreign and crazy to me. Now I understood. It seemed right. I opened the blades. I was the only way I could rid myself of these emotions. The blade pierced my skin and blood welled in a thick red like as I drew the blade up my arm.

To ride the anger. Cut.

            The hate. Cut.

            The betrayal. Cut.

            The pain. Cut.

            I sliced into my skin until I could feel no pain and the blood dripped onto the floor. I cut and cut and cut until the numbness overpowered me the way Collin had.

Should Have Said No--Chapter 1

Chapter One

            My name is Heaven Roberts. Strange name, I know, but I guess I was sort of a gift or blessing to my parents when I was born or something. Maybe it’s because the doctors told my mother she would never be able to have kids, and BAM, here I come. I think it’s a poetic name, but that’s just me. Well, anyway, I’m seventeen years old, and I’m a Senior at Whittemore Preparatory High School, here in good old Sudbury, Maine. Don’t mention me at school though. They’ll just get confused.

Sudbury is a teeny, tiny town of pure cuteness located next to the seaport. It’s one of those blink-and-it’s-gone sort of town, but tourists think it’s adorable, so therefore the town makes good money. It’s a quiet little town, and not much criminal activity goes on. The last one I remember was when I was in seventh grade and Cody Sanchez broke a bubblegum machine to steal the candy. Yeah, it’s a town like that. Whittemore Prep is located smack dab in the middle of this tidy little town. It’s sophistication matches the students going there, who all appear to be clean and polite. In that case, we won’t mention the house parties, occasional illicit drug use, and Stuff a Freshman in A Locker Day. Although, that only applies to the Senior football team.

So, what you all need to know is that at this school, I am a nobody. I go to school, eat my lunch, study for my tests, and go home with hardly a word. I have all of one friend, Brady Coughlin, and other than that I am invisible.

Actually, I guess I’m not completely invisible.

I was sitting in the library, finishing a paper for my anthropology class and fantasizing about Collin Michaelson when someone sat down next to me. I peeked over and nearly died. Collin Michaelson grinned at me and tossed his hair out of his eyes. Someone so sinfully delicious should really just be homeschooled.

“Hey, uh, you’ve got a little…” He gestured to the corner of his perfect mouth. Oh my God. Was I seriously drooling? I hastily wiped my mouth and let out a nervous laugh.

“Thanks,” I muttered, turning back to my paper. I was extremely aware of him watching me. Why was he watching me? Wasn’t he breaking some sort of football captain code of conduct by socializing with the invisible, nerdy bookworm?

            “Heaven, right?” I looked over at him when he spoke, but quickly looked away before I started to drool again. He totally wasn’t talking to me right now. I was clearly having some sort of orgasmic hallucination.

            “That’s my name,” I said, staring at the computer screen and typing things I no longer cared about. “How can I help you?” Okay, Heaven, I said to myself. Shut up. You’re making yourself look like a complete idiot. From the corner of my eye I could see him grin. Damn he has a cute smile, I thought lustfully.

            “I want you to go out with me,” He replied seriously. My image of him shirtless fresh out of the shower disappeared as my jaw dropped in shock. I kind of stared at him like a brainless moron before I finally burst out laughing. Collin appeared to be confused.

            “Is something funny…?”

            “All right, honey,” I laughed.  “Who put you up to it?” I looked around the library. “Where’s the camera?”

            Collin continued to look confused.

            “Oh, come on,” I snorted. “Stop playing stupid. Seriously, who put you up to it? I’m really not in the mood to be humiliated so just spit it out.”

            “What are you talking about?”

I sighed. “Someone dared you to do it, right? Thought it’d be funny.” Collin raised an eyebrow. I began to feel like an idiot.

“Actually, no. I’m asking you completely independently. You’re cute. And funny. And I like your style.” Now I really felt like an idiot. My face burned. He was serious. Collin Michaelson was asking me to go out with him. I laughed nervously again.

“Well, this is awkward. Wow. Um. Yeah. Sure?”

“You sound uncertain.”

“No, no. It’s just…well it’s you. Asking me.” I made is absolutely clear that he was obviously too perfect for me.

“So?” He seemed rather amused.

“So, it’s totally not supposed to happen. We’re on, like, opposite sides of the social food chain. You’re supposed to go with some drop-dead gorgeous cheerleader. Preferably the cheer captain. It’s the way of High School.” Collin laughed and leaned over so he was close to me. I inhaled. He smelled husky and masculine and the scent made my toes curl.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked.

“Sure,” I replied, my heart racing.

“I’m not really into cheerleaders,” he whispered. My heart was starting to kind of thud loudly in my chest and I prayed he couldn’t hear the obnoxious sound.

“Oh,” I whispered back. “So what are you into?” He grinned at me.

“Bookworms.”

I stared at him in disbelief. This was so not happening. Yeah, it was definitely an orgasmic hallucination.

“Are you serious right now?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” he replied. “So what do you say? You wanna be my girl or not?”

I couldn’t believe it. Collin Michaelson was asking me, Heaven Roberts, to be his girlfriend. Me, the invisible, dorky, nerdy bookworm. I had to let this sink in, but I didn’t have the time. Collin was waiting for my answer. I smiled at him.

“Absolutely.”

            I stood in front of my mirror, scrutinizing my reflection. As I studied myself, I came to the conclusion that I could in fact be classified as pretty. My skin was light, thanks to my mother, and my hair fell in carrot-red curls to the middle of my back. My eyes were big and green, framed by thick eyelashes. Of course I’m not Irish. What a ridiculous notion.

I turned away from my reflection and faced my closet. Collin was taking me to some fancy restaurant at the edge of town by the wharf.  It was one of those dressy kind of places and I had no idea what to wear. If I had any specific assets to show off, like boobs or long legs, that would potentially narrow down my search, but I didn’t so I was at a loss. I stared down at my chest. Although, I supposed 34B wasn’t too bad…

I pulled out an emerald green dress that I had worn to a wedding a few years ago and slipped it over my head. The silky fabric swished around my knees as I waltzed back to the mirror. The green contrasted nicely with my skin and my hair, and the sweetheart neckline actually did a thing or two for my cleavage.

“Not bad,” I said to myself, twisting to admire the dress.

“Not bad at all.” I jumped at the sound of the voice coming from the doorway. My best friend Brady was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. Brady was actually a bit of a stud with his messy brown hair and chocolate colored eyes. His chest was broad and strong and his arms looked huge crossed the way they were. He pushed himself off the wall. “What’s the occasion?” He crossed the room and sat on my bed. I turned back to the mirror to apply my makeup.

“I have a date,” I said, trying to sound casual as if it wasn’t a huge deal.

He snorted. “You? A date?” I glared at him. “With who?” I cleared my throat and looked away. He was not going to believe me at all.

“Um. Collin Michaelson?” He gaped at me.

“Shut up,” he said. “Collin Michaelson?” He snorted again.

I turned and glared at him again with my hands on my hips.

“Excuse me,” I began angrily. “Is there a problem? Is it, like, completely unbelievable that he asked me out? Am I like, not good enough for him or something?”

“No, no. Not at all.” Brady looked flustered. “It just surprised me, that’s all.” He looked at his feet.

“Sure, sure,” I said, smacking him on the arm. I twirled around in my dress. “So, what do you think?”

Brady studied me for a long time, until I started to feel uncomfortable. He suddenly appeared to be a little gloomy.

“You look beautiful,” he mumbled, looking away. He stood, and without looking at me, headed for the door. “Have fun tonight.” I heard him running down the stairs and raised an eyebrow. Huh. I wonder what his problem was.

The doorbell rang. Oh shit. He was already here? Okay, deep breaths. I grabbed my purse and wrap and hurried down the stairs. Collin was standing in the doorway, having what appeared to be a lovely heart-to-heart with my father, judging by the terrified look on his face and my father’s threatening tone of voice.

“Hey,” I said, breaking the tension. Collin’s face lit up when he saw me and I tried not to look too pleased. I mean seriously, a girl like me should never get a look like that from a guy like him but I did, so naturally I was extremely flattered.

“Hey beautiful,” he replied with a grin. My father shot him a death glare. I sighed. “You ready to go?”

“Yes,” I answered, probably too quickly. Collin grinned again and I blushed. I turned and pecked my father on the cheek. “Bye, Daddy.”

“Have fun, sweetie.” Collin turned to escort me to the car. My father grabbed his arm and stopped him. “Not too much fun,” he ordered in a low voice. “You hear me?”

“Yes, sir,” Collin replied, sounding very nervous. With that, we headed out to the car.

“Don’t mind him,” I soothed as we drove past the shops downtown. “He’s not a psychotic as he seems. He’s really kind of like a playful kitten.” Collin snorted and put an arm over my shoulder. I thought I would burst with happiness. “No, really,” I defended, trying not to show my dorkiness. “I give him a ball of yarn every Christmas.”

“I’m sure you do,” he laughed, pulling into the parking lot. He cut the ignition and walked around the front of the car, shutting my door before I could get out. Before I had a chance to get really confused, he opened the door himself. I laughed.

“Let me be chivalrous, will you?” He took my hand and led me into the restaurant. The restaurant was small and dimly lit. The tables were covered with white table cloths, with a single rose in the middle. Classical music played in the background. “What do you think?”

“It’s very nice,” I said as we were escorted to a table. “Definitely not what I’m used to.” To be honest, I thought it was very cheesy and stereotypical, but I kept that to myself.

“Most guys take you to McDonald’s or something, right?”

I stared at the menu, trying not to blush and failing miserably.

“This is the first date I’ve ever been on,” I muttered into the menu. Collin looked surprised.

“Really? A girl like you has never been on a date?” I blushed at the compliment.

“No,” I said. Collin leaned forward on his elbows.

“Well, then I guess I’ll have to make this one extra special.” The waitress came by to take our orders and I stared at my hands. The growing silence was beginning to get a little awkward.

“You can talk, you know,” Collin teased. I looked up and laughed nervously.

“I know, I just don’t know what to say,” I replied.

“Well, you can start by telling me about yourself.”

“Okay,” I began. “Well, I’m seventeen years old. I was born on October 9^th, 1992 in Coventry, Maine, and I’m an only child. My favorite color is purple and I love summer. I’m allergic to bees and cats, I’m arachnophobic, and I love Yodels. My mother is a psychologist and my father is a mortician.”

“Wait a minute,” Collin interrupted. “Your father is a mortician? As in, cuts up bodies and checks out their insides?”

“Yes,” I said with a shrug. “But he’s a playful kitten, remember?”

“I don’t know,” he said with mock worry. “He seems even more psychotic to me now that I’m aware he knows how to wield a scalpel….”

I laughed as the waitress came back with our food. I thanked her and turned back to Collin. “I assure you, he’s perfectly harmless. Even though he could cut you up, remove your liver, and sew you back up like it never happened.” I took a bite of my chicken. “Mmm,” I added. “The chicken is good.” My phone buzzed. It was a text from Brady.

“Who’s that?” Collin asked.

“Just my friend,” I replied, typing back my message. “He wants to know how it’s going.”

“He?” I looked up. Collin’s face changed. It was darker somehow. He looked almost…angry. What was that all about?

“Collin, he’s my best friend. Chill.” He tensed and looked even angrier. I reached out and touched his hand. “It’s fine.” He jerked it away and abruptly stood and grabbed his coat.

“C’mon,” he growled. “We’re leaving.”

Seriously?

“Leaving?” I repeated, grabbing my things. “But we just got here…”

“We’re leaving!” he snapped. I shrank back and followed him out the door. Well, that went well, I thought bleakly to myself as he slammed the car door and sped out of the parking lot. What did I do that was so wrong? Talking to Brady couldn’t have been that bad. I peeked over at Collin, who glowered at the road in front of him. I stared out my window, fighting the urge to cry. Whatever I did, he was mad, and probably didn’t want to see me anymore. At least I dated him for a few hours, I thought miserably. We pulled up in front of my house.

“I’m sorry,” Collin whispered, breaking the tense silence. He turned in his seat to face me. “I acted like a jerk.”

“Yeah, you sort of did,” I agreed darkly, refusing to look at him.

“Please forgive me?” His voice sounded a lot closer. I turned my head to find his face very close to mine. His eyes were so blue and sincere as he brushed his hand against my cheek. I felt my anger dissolving into a puddle of goo.

“Absolutely,” I sighed, and then his lips were on mine. My heart pounded frantically in my chest. His lips were soft and gentle his breath was sweet in my mouth. I felt drunk when he finally pulled away.

“Well,” I breathed. “Okay.” I opened the door and stepped out in to the cool air. Collin walked me to the door.

“I hope you enjoyed yourself, even though I was a jerk.” I smiled.

“I had fun,” I replied. “Thank you.” Before he could say another word, I quickly pecked him on the mouth and dashed inside.

“How was it,” my mother called from the living room. I stopped dead in my tacks, remembering the dark look on Collin’s face.

“It was fun,” I said unconvincingly. My high from Collin’s kiss disappeared.

“You’re home earlier than I thought you would be.”

“Yeah. Something…came up,” I lied. “And we had to go.” I knew she didn’t believe me, but she said no more about it. “Well, I’m off to bed. Night, mom.”

“Night, honey.” I dashed upstairs and threw on pajamas and curled up on my bed. There was something about Collin that made me uneasy. It was the way his face had darkened. It scared me. He had another side to him. A bad side. I didn’t want to bring it out again. I decided to keep this secret to myself. Little did I know how many secrets I would end up keeping in the next few months.