Should Have Said No--Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

            The next day, I sat in the gymnasium, watching a bunch of cheerleaders dance around, shouting out praise to the local football team. The annual pep rally was something I never looked forward to in the first place, but this year it was even worse. The football team was going to go up soon, and Collin would make a nice, inspirational speech about how the Yellow Hornets are going to win the big game. Good for them. I didn’t want to sit through this. I watched the clock tick away every minute, waiting for it to be over.

            “Hey,” Brady said, sitting down next to me. “Sorry I’m late. I had to make up that psychology test.”

            “It’s cool,” I replied distractedly. Collin pranced onto the court, waving his arms around, revving up the crowd.

            “You okay?”

            “Oh. Yeah,” I mumbled. “Yeah I’m okay.” I could feel Collin staring at me as I sat hunched down in the bleachers. I tried to tune him out as much as I could, but his voice was a disease, entering my ears and infecting my brain. He introduced all the team members, and they all slapped each other on the back, like they were family, and Collin was their father. If only they knew what kind of person he was. What would they do if they knew? If they knew what he did to me, would they care?

            “…And that really worries me, Heaven. Heaven?”  I looked up. Oh. I guess Brady was talking to me.

            “Sorry.” I laughed nervously. “I guess I just kind of zoned out.”

            “What were you thinking about?” he asked, his brow furrowed in concern. I sighed and wrapped my arms around myself. I was thinking about how Collin’s voice was a headache, how it made my temples throb, and how it was like no matter what I did, I couldn’t tune him out. I was thinking about our conversation last night, and how his face had looked when I told him I was pregnant with his child, and that I was keeping it. I was thinking about the terrifying shade of red his face turned. I was thinking about his hands wrapped tightly around my arms as he slammed me against the wall and called me a whore. I was thinking about the dark purple bruises on my skin as a result of his fury. I was thinking about how I didn’t ask for this.

            “Just stuff, I guess,” I answered. “Nothing  important.”  

            Just then, Collin’s voice got louder. I turned and faced the court, where he stood, staring right at me. He was pointing. He was pointing at me.

            “…down here. Come on, babe.” Come on, babe. I stood. Everyone was staring at me. I walked down the bleachers and stood next to him.

            “What are you doing?” I hissed. He pulled me close to him as if in a loving embrace, except his grasp was too strong and suffocating.

            “I’m making sure you get what you deserve,” he breathed. He kept me locked at his side while he spoke into the microphone.

            “For those of you who don’t know Heaven, let me tell you, she’s quite the catch. In fact, I’m having a nice dinner with her tonight, and I’m bringing some of my closest friends!” He gestured to the football team. I wondered if anyone could see me shaking. I just wanted to disappear. His scent was burning my nose, and all I could think about was his breath on my neck as he pulled me close again, feigning love for his eager audience. He wished everyone a happy thanksgiving, and I ran out as fast as I could.

            “What was that?” Brady asked, running up behind me. “What the fuck was that?”

            “I don’t know! I don’t fucking know!” I screamed, pushing him away from me.

            “You’re having dinner with that asshole?” I turned away from him and continued walking. He closely followed.  “Are you kidding me, Heaven? I thought you were smarter than that!” I turned on him and got in his face.

            “Yeah, Brady, of course you do. I’m fucking stupid, right? Went and got myself raped because I’m a fucking whore right? Is that what you think? Are you with everyone else?” I regretted my words the second they left my mouth. The look on Brady’s face expressed every ounce of hurt I felt.

            “Brady, I’m sorry…” I reached for him, but he just looked away. “Brady, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

            “What are they saying to you,” he asked, looking up at me. He looked like he was about to cry. “What are people saying to you, Heaven?” I looked away, ashamed of myself. I didn’t want to tell him what the girls say to me when I walk through the halls. If it was this bad now, what will they do when they find out I’m….

            “They call me a slut. Collin must have started a rumor.”

            “Is that what the dinner thing was all about?” I nodded.

            “I’m assuming it’s just a scam to make everyone more convinced that I’m a whore.” Brady took my hand.

            “You know you’re not a whore, right?” I stared at my feet. “Right?”

            “I don’t know what I am anymore.”

            When I got home, my mother was already cooking. The house smelled of apple cinnamon and family traditions. Usually, I would have put on an apron and a smile and helped bake the second pie, but not this year. This year I just stared. I watched my mother bustle around the kitchen, cleaning as she cooked. The sun shining through the little window above the sink caught her hair and made it shimmer. She looked so happy, and all she was doing was baking an apple pie. I wished something so simple could make me happy.

            “Hi, mom”, I said at last.

            “Oh! Hi, sweetie! I didn’t realize you were home! How was your day?”

            “It was all right,” I replied, shrugging off my backpack. It was getting easier and easier for me to pretend everything was okay. Sometimes I felt guilty about lying to her, but most of the time it didn’t even bother me. My conscience would just have to get over it.

            “How was the pep rally?” My stomach dropped. “Are you okay?”

            “What? Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Yeah, it was okay. Lame, as usual, I guess.” I pretended I was interested in the floral arrangement on the table. “The color guard team still sucks.”

            “Well, at least this is the last year you’ll have to put up with it,” she replied with a laugh. “Can you pass me the butter, please?”

            “Hey, mom?” I passed her the butter.

            “Yes?”

            I cleared my throat. Maybe this wasn’t a good time. After all, tomorrow was Thanksgiving. I didn’t need to go and ruin the atmosphere. And then after that was Christmas, and I didn’t want to mess up that holiday either.

            “Never mind.” I snatched up an apple and turned towards the stairs. “I’ll be in my room.”

            “Okay, sweetie. Call me if you need me!”

            “Yeah,” I called, shutting my door. I flopped down onto my bed and stared at the ceiling for a minute. I realized I didn’t feel well. I my heart started pounding in my chest. I lurched out of bed and booked it to the bathroom. After I finished, I sat back against the tub, shaking. This was real. This was really happening to me. I couldn’t deny it, and at the same time, the thought of accepting it was sickening. I sighed. I guess I’m just going to have to deal, I thought to myself. I was surprised at how nonchalant I felt all of a sudden. It was like this wave of numbness washed over me. Maybe I didn’t care. Maybe I did. My feelings were a tsunami, washing over me. I couldn’t identify a single one.

            I stood and returned to my room. I picked up my phone and called Brady.

            “Hey,” I said when he answered the phone. “Are you busy?”

            “Not right now. Why, what’s up?”

            “Can I come over for a little bit? I’m feeling a little cooped up.” Anxiety crept up on me.

            “Yeah sure, come on over”.

            “All right, I’ll see you in a few minutes,” I replied, and hung up. I turned and examined myself in the mirror. I didn’t look any different, aside from the emptiness in my eyes. I assumed it wasn’t too noticeable, since my parents haven’t said anything. My parents. How was I going to tell them? I didn’t want to think about that yet. I would wait until after the holidays. I threw on my jacket and hurried down the stairs.

            “Mom, I’m going out,” I called, opening the front door.

            “Where are you heading?”

            “Brady’s house,” I replied.

            “Okay, have fun!”

            I closed the door behind me and ducked my head against the cold. The sky had that whiteish yellow glow to it, the color that meant it would snow. I sighed. It would be amazing if I could get away, maybe go to Florida. Anything would be better than enduring this long, cold winter with the world against me.

Should Have Said No--Chapter 7

This chapter is a little shorter but it's awesome! enjoy!

Chapter Seven

            The sky was darkening with angry clouds when I pulled into the parking lot. A few splotches of rain splattered onto my windshield as I sat with the engine idling and the air conditioning on full blast. It was close to forty degrees out, but my entire body felt hot, like it was burning from the inside out. I stared at the decrepit white building in front of me, and my stomach tightened in anxiety. My hands trembled as I turned the car off and stepped out into the cold. I wrapped my jacket tight around me and headed inside.

            It wasn’t what I expected at all. I always imagined an abortion clinic to be full of white trash teenagers who got too drunk at a house party, but instead I saw a collection of well-matured women, and a few young ladies. They were well dressed, as if they were just coming home from work. There were landscape paintings on the wall, a few by Monet. The carpet was clean. The walls were evenly painted a nice eggshell color. For a moment I wondered if I was even in the right place.

            “Can I help you, sweetie?” I startled at the sound of the secretary’s warm voice.

            “Oh, uhm, yeah,” I looked down and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Uhm, I need a, uh… you know…” I couldn’t make eye contact with her. I was embarrassed. My cheeks burned.

            “Okay, dear,” she said, handing me a clipboard with paperwork attached. “Fill this form out, and have a seat. A clinician will be out in a moment.” She smiled pleasantly, and I returned what I hoped was the same thing. I sat down on one of seven black chairs and stared at the form.

Name. Date. Age. How long have you been sexually active?

I haven’t, I thought to myself. I didn’t choose this. What do they do for people like me? Could I just go up to the kind receptionist and scream at her? Could I tell her that I can’t answer these questions because it wasn’t my choice? Would she listen? Would she even care? Is that part of her job? To pretend to care? Is she paid to pretend? Maybe I should be paid to pretend. Maybe it would make pretending that much easier.

            “Heaven?” I looked up. A slender woman in a doctor’s coat and a brown bun stood in the doorway with a binder. She smiled at me. “Hi, I’m Dr. Clark.  Are you ready?”

            No. “Yeah.” I stood up and followed her down the hall and into the room.

            “Have a seat on the table, honey.” I hoisted myself up and stared at my lap. “Did you fill out the paperwork?”

            “Oh. Yeah, here”, I mumbled, handing her the form. “I didn’t finish it.”

            “That’s okay, we can finish it here. How long have you been sexually active?” I didn’t know how to answer.

            “I guess almost three months,” I said eventually. My stomach was doing flip flops. I just wanted this over and done with.

            “How many sexual partners have you had?” I thought I would throw up.

            “One, I guess.” I suddenly seemed to notice every little sound. The pen scratching down my answers was like a mosquito in my ear. I wanted to questionnaire to be over.

            “One last question, okay?” I nodded. “Have you ever been tested for STIs?” I shook my head. The anxiety was in my chest now. I felt like I was about to explode. I just wanted this demon out of me.

            “Would you like to be?” I shook my head again.

            “I just want this to be over,” I whispered, fighting back tears. I could feel her staring at me.

            “Okay, honey. I need you to undress from the waist down and put this sheet over you, okay?” I nodded. She put a comforting hand on my shoulder and walked out of the room. I stood and mechanically removed my jeans. I slipped out of my panties and wrapped the stupid sheet around my waist. I sat back on the table, legs tightly crossed. I waited for the doctor to come back in and remove this thing from my body. The clock seemed to be ticking slower than usual. I imagined the little embryo, sucking the life out of me. Did it know where it came from? I I wondered if it had a heartbeat yet.

            There was a tap on the door and Dr. Clark walked in. She pulled a tray in behind her. I took one look at the tools on the table and the room started swimming. Cold sweat broke out of my forehead. I thought I was going to faint.

            “Okay, so before we start, I’m just going to do a quick exam. Then I’ll give you some medicine for the pain, through an IV, and then some sedatives.”

            I gulped nervously and nodded.

            “It will be over sooner than you think. Just try to relax.” Relax? I thought, laying back on the table. She wants me to relax? “Okay, now I just need you to let your knees just kind of fall to the sides.” I tried to relax my knees, but I couldn’t. She put her gloves on and started the exam. She didn’t get very far. The minute her hands touched me I jerked away, closing my knees. “Honey, you need to relax. It’s fine, okay?” It’s fine. It’s fine. His voice was in my head. Come on, babe. It’s fine. A scream echoed around the room, and I realized it came from my own throat. I tore myself away from her prodding hands, threw my clothes back on, and ran out of the clinic as fast as I could.

           

            I paced my room frantically. I stared again at the test that I had not yet thrown away. What was I supposed to do now? I didn’t know how far along I was, I didn’t know how I could deal with this. I didn’t even know who to turn to. I wanted to run away. I wanted to take off into the bay and run across the water until I found a place that was safe. The idea of a place being safe was unreal. Such a place probably didn’t even exist.

            I stared out the window, watching the rain glide down the glass. I wondered if it would snow soon. It usually snowed here by Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was a few days away. Thanksgiving, time to be thankful. What did I have to be thankful about? I guess I could say my family, but at the same time, they had no idea what was happening. I wondered how I would tell them. I wondered what they would say. Should I tell them everything, or should I keep it quiet. Maybe I if I got the strength to go back to the clinic, I wouldn’t have to say anything to anyone. I didn’t see that happening. I only saw myself repeatedly running out. And here I was, running out. I was running out of time. I had to make a decision.

            I thought about adoption. Maybe I could do that. But then I’d have to carry this thing in me for nine months. I’d have to go to appointments and pretend I wanted to be there. I’d have to go to school every day and face endless days of torment. Well, I thought bitterly to myself, I’d have to do that anyway. Collin was already telling everyone I was a whore. Might as well just make it a fact, right?

            I picked up the phone and dialed the number.

            “Hello?” As soon as he answered, I hung up. I threw myself down on the bed. I couldn’t do this. Not yet. Not now. Not ever.  

            I stood up and took a deep breath. I dialed the number again. My hands shook so hard I thought I’d drop the phone. This time when he answered, I spoke.

            “Collin?”

Should Have Said No--Chapter 6

Chapter Six

            The dark was just beginning to settle. It was the time of day where the sun was reluctant to set, but the stars were already claiming the sky. The air smelled of danger and fear as I sat by my open window, arms tucked tightly into my sweatshirt. The autumn leaves shook in the wind, the scent of winter creeping into the air. The cuts on my arms were scars now, but the pain was as fresh as when the cuts were. My secret hung over my head like a dense storm cloud, ready to burst and drown me. I could hear my mother downstairs cleaning up the remains of dinner. I wanted to run down to her and fold myself into her arms and beg her to keep me safe, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want her to blame herself. After all, how would she have seen it coming when even I didn’t? But even as I asked myself that question, I knew I saw it coming. Well, maybe not that specifically, but I knew he was dangerous. I knew on the first date, and I was too stupid to end it.

            No, I said to myself. Stupidity has nothing to do with it. I was hopeful. Yes, I was hopeful that maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t a monster. Even after the Event, I had tried and tried to tell myself that. Even when I saw the rage in his eyes during that cafeteria fight weeks ago, I told myself he wasn’t a monster. Maybe the lies I told myself were making me crazy…maybe I was already crazy to begin with. There was a soft tap on my door. I turned and saw my father in the doorway.

            “Hi, sweetie. Someone’s here to see you.” My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. Collin stepped into my room and thanked my father. I watched in terror as my father left the room and shut the door behind him.

            “What are you doing here,” I said in a low voice, trying to put as much distance between myself and him as I could. I stationed myself in front of my window, my hands braced on the windowsill for support.

            “I’m here to apologize,” he said, stepping towards me.

            “Stop,” I demanded, throwing my arms out in front of me. I refused to look at him, knowing he probably had that cocky grin on his face. “I don’t need your apologies. Just get the fuck out of my room.”

            “Hey now, no need to be rude.” He took another step, sliding his arms around my waist. I tried to twist away from him.

            “I told you to get out,” I hissed. “And I expect you to do so. I don’t need your apologies.”

            “I hope you’re not trying to break up with me, Heaven. That would be a bad idea.”

            “You know what, Collin?” I stared up at him in defiance. “I don’t fucking care. You can’t possibly do anything worse than you’ve already done, so I want you and your cocky attitude to get out of my life and stay out!” His grip around my waist was crushing. I shoved against his chest and pushed him away from me.

            “You’re making a mistake,” he said, his face dark again.

            “No, I’m not. Get out.” He stayed where he was. “Get OUT!” I screamed. “Get out!” I pushed at him and pushed and screamed, “Get out! Get the fuck out!” I slammed the door behind him. “And don’t fucking come back!”

            There was a lot of commotion downstairs as I slid down to the floor, not sure whether to breathe a sigh of relief, or to break down into tears. I heard the footsteps pounding up my stairs and then the banging on the door.

            “Heaven,” my mother shouted through the door. “What’s going on?” The doorknob rattled but the door didn’t open. “Heaven Elizabeth open this door!” I turned and jerked the door open and stared at my mother. “What just happened?”

            I turned and sat down on my bed, shaking. “I broke up with him. That’s all.”

            “How come,” she asked, sitting down next to me. “I thought everything between you two were fine.” I coughed out a laugh.

            “No,” I said. “No, they’re not.”

            “Well, wha-”

            “I don’t want to get into it,” I interrupted. I felt like I was choking. I was both disgusted and proud of myself. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to cry. I wanted to jump for joy. I wanted to jump out the window. I wanted to tell her everything, now that I had the perfect opportunity. But instead I just leaned into her and let her put her arms around me.

            “I’m sorry,” she whispered into my hair. A single tear slipped out and landed on my knee.

            “I’m not,” I replied softly. I could tell she wanted to say something, but she stayed silent. I was grateful for that. I didn’t think I had the strength to talk anymore, or to fight, or to even try to act normal. I just sat in the safety of her arms and tried not to imagine tomorrow.

            I knew what today was. I knew what was supposed to happen today. My legs shook on the way to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and began to undress. I stared at my underwear and felt nauseous at the sight of nothing. It could come later, I said to myself, rinsing the suds off my body. It could come tomorrow. It’s not always exactly on time.

            My head was racing and my stomach was churning as I dressed for school in the usual garb of sweatpants and a long sleeved sweatshirt. These days I just didn’t bother looking nice. It got me in a lot of trouble already. I walked back to my room and pulled my scissors from underneath my mattress. I pushed my sleeve up and stared at my scars. It had been three and a half weeks since that blade last sliced through the delicate skin. But I found that I missed it. And I needed it. I needed something to get me through the day, with this fear hovering over my head. The blade pierced the translucent skin in the crook of my elbow and I watched blood swell and cover the white canvas. I squeezed my eyes shut and lashed at my arm over and over until couldn’t feel the sting anymore. Blood dripped onto the hardwood and the sound of the droplets hitting the floor was comforting. I wrapped the wounds as usual, pulled my sleeve down and hid the evidence. My secret was safe.

            As soon as I entered the school building, I was on the hunt. I was looking for Brady. Brady, my safe haven, my security guard. Collin couldn’t do anything to me if Brady was there.

            “Heaven!” His voice was like a lullaby. I turned and saw Brady pushing through the hallway. “Hey,” he said, hugging me close. “Your mom called me and told me you broke up with Collin.” I nodded. “Are you okay?”

            I shook my head. “No,” I whispered. “I’m scared.” He took my hand and quickly led me down the hall to an empty classroom.

            “What are you afraid of? Do you think he’ll do something in school?” 

            “I don’t know. I’m just scared. I don’t think you understand what he’s capable of.”

            “Heaven. I know what he can do. I was there for the aftermath.” I flinched at the memory and pulled my arms around myself. “I’m sorry I mentioned that. I just…I worry. I’m afraid for you. We could always go to Principal Ward…”

            “What’s that going to do, Brady? He can’t do anything about it without getting the police involved.” The bell for class buzzed, a long, droning beep. “I have to get to class.” I turned on my heel and walked down the hall. The halls were bustling with students making a beeline for class. I sat down in my usual seat and stared at my hands. As long as I thought I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be there. Maybe I could finish this year with a blindfold over my eyes.

            When the bell finally rang, I lurched of my seat. If I could just keep my head down and barrel through the rest of the year, maybe it would be easier. I was just about to turn into the biology lab when I heard it. One of the cheerleaders walked by me and just as she passed me she said something.

            “Sluuuttt”, she hissed, and she disappeared into the hall. I froze in place. What did she just say to me? I drifted into class and sank into my seat. Why did she say that? I didn’t even know who she was, other than the fact that she was friends with…..

            The room started to spin as I pieced it together. I thought I would be sick. So this is how he was going to do it. He was going to start rumors. He was going to ruin my life. I put my head in my hands. Whatever. They’re just words. My life was ruined anyway so why did it matter. It probably wouldn’t get any worse than a few immature whispers anyway. I sank down in my seat and tuned everything out except the teacher. Just focus on grades, I told myself. Nothing else matters. If I just focus on that then I can tune out the world.

            The rest of the day dragged on. Nothing else happened, and even better, Collin was nowhere to be found. I was walking home when someone covered my mouth, grabbed me from behind and pulled me into the ally. Collin pushed me up against the wall.

            “Don’t scream,” he demanded. I looked up at him in terror, my whole body shaking. He took his hand off my mouth. “Listen to me, you fucking bitch. I know you told your little homo friend. I told you not to. And you made a big mistake by dumping me last night. Because now everyone is going to know the whore you really are.” He spat on my face and walked away. I stared after him, and then keeled over, vomiting. Pedestrians passed by, giving me quizzical looks, but I ignored them. Finally, a middle aged woman approached me.

            “Are you okay, sweetie?” I looked up at her and wiped my mouth.

            “Yeah,” I lied, standing up and staring at my shoes.

            “Do you need help?” I looked up at her. Her eyes were wide with concern. She didn’t know what she was really asking. Yes, I thought, screaming inside.

            “No,” I said. “I’ll be okay.”

            When I got home, I was alone. I was relieved. I didn’t think I wanted anyone there for this. I booked it up the stairs, throwing my book bag onto my bed. I pulled out the little box and ran into the bathroom. The skinny white stick was terrifying to me. I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I wanted to know, but I was scared of what it would say.

            I sat down and read the directions. My knees were shaking. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe nothing was wrong at all. I finished my thing and stared at the blinking window. My heart was pounding in my chest. Cold sweat broke out on my forehead. I put the little stick down and walked out of the bathroom. I couldn’t handle it right now. I couldn’t sit there and wait for the two endless minutes. I threw myself down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Eventually being still made me antsy. I made my bed. I arranged the pillows so they were pretty. I picked up the dirty laundry off my floor. I crawled underneath my bed and found three dollars and twenty eight cents in coins, a flip flop, a bottle of V8, and various articles of clothing. I organized my closet by color. When there was finally nothing left to do in my room, I dragged myself back to the bathroom.

            The stick was still on the counter, challenging me. I was hoping that maybe it would have magically disappeared, and with it, everything else. I stared at it for a long time before I walked over and picked it up. My nerves were twisted into all sorts of knots. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I backed away from it. I couldn’t do it. I stepped back. But I had to do it. I had to know. Not knowing would be almost as bad as what that result could say. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. I opened my eyes. I looked into the tiny window. The world froze. Time literally stood still. I collapsed onto the floor, screaming and sobbing while I read that ominous word over and over again.

            Pregnant.

Should Have Said No--Chapter 5

Chapter Five

            I woke up holding Brady’s hand. You’d think that in the night you relax. I guess I didn’t. My sleep was haunted by nightmares that turned into terrors when I imagined Collin at the window. The comfort in knowing I was safe and sound with Brady there must have lulled me back to sleep. I watched him for a moment. His hair was tossed over his face, blowing with his breath. Even in his sleep he looked scared and worried. As terrible as it sounded, it provided me comfort knowing how much he cared about me.

            I tossed the covers aside and nudged Brady with my toe. He stirred.

            “Brady, we have to go to school.” Just the thought terrified me. I wanted to tell my mother what was happening, what happened to me. I wanted to tell her that I was a ghost and I was searching for my body and it just couldn’t be found. I wanted her to pull me out of school and tutor me. I wanted her to say that college can wait, that my life can be paused so I can pull myself together. Lies were what I needed right now.

            Brady was slowly waking up. I guess I never thought he wasn’t a morning person. I guess little details like that eluded me until now, where every little detail about a man was subject to my immediate scrutiny.

            “I’m going to go take a shower,” I said shyly. “You should probably sneak out the window so my mom doesn’t flip.” Brady stood.

            “Are you okay?” I looked down at my feet. Should I lie? Or should I tell him that I know what it feels like to lose your soul? Should I tell him that it feels like being ripped apart from the inside out, until only your scars are left behind?

            “I guess so…” was all I could manage. Brady put his arms around me. I kept mine at my sides, hoping he understood. He kissed my forehead and told me he’d see me soon. I watched him slip out the window, remembering how stealthy Collin was just eighteen- and- a- half hours ago. I shuffled into the bathroom. I faced the mirror and began to undress. I was afraid of what I would see, but for some reason I felt I had to. As the steam fogged up the mirror, I examined the angry red slashes that extended from the crook of my left arm down to my wrist. Both my wrists were a violent mixture of bruises and blood as I peeled off the gauze Brady had wrapped around them. My face was slightly bruised again from when Collin had slapped me. My ankles had bracelets of burn marks that mirrored the ones on my wrists. My eyes were empty. I couldn’t find myself anywhere in this reflection. I was a stranger to myself.

            I stood in the shower and let the scalding hot water pour over my body. I imagined that I was being purified, that everything Collin left me was being washed down the drain. As I scrubbed my skin, a sudden thought hit me and I dropped my pouf in a panic.

            Collin hadn’t used a condom.

            I didn’t want to go to lunch. I didn’t have the energy to face whatever events may occur. I already used a crapload lying to my mother again. I was afraid that she was going to dig the truth out of me and be angry that I didn’t tell the truth. I didn’t want to fear anything else, but I knew he was going to be there. I knew he was going to approach me. I knew I would freeze up and sit in petrified silence.

            Turns out, that’s not what happened at all.

            He approached, as I knew he would. He put his arms over my shoulders and leaned down, kissing my neck. I froze and swallowed my vomit. I was expecting this, and yet my body was still in shock. What I wasn’t expecting was Brady. He was down at the other end of the cafeteria, getting a fork for his macaroni.

            And suddenly he was right there.

            “You fucking piece of shit!” he bellowed, sprinting up to our table. He grabbed Collin by his collar and started beating the crap out of him. Collin threw him down on the table and smashed Brady’s head on the tabletop. Kids were running out of the way and standing in a circle around the fight. Some kids were running for help. All I could hear was the sound of fist hitting flesh.

            Brady was winning so far. He had Collin on the ground and was repeatedly punching him to emphasize what he was saying.

            “Don’t—ever—fucking—touch—her—again!”

            “STOP!” I screamed, pulling at my hair. “Stop fighting!” I jumped into the fight and tried to pull Brady off of Collin.

            “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?” Principal Ward’s booming voice made time stand still. I backed away. Everyone froze where they were, except for Collin and Brady, who were still engaged in a brutal fistfight with absolutely no signs of easing up. Two hall monitors and the principal fought with Brady to pull him off of Collin. Brady had a split lip and a shallow gnash in the back of his head from when Collin slammed him against the table. I could see a shiner forming, on that kind of looked like mine. Collin was in far worse shape. His whole face was swelling from the bruises and his lip was split in three places. It was fair to say that Brady won this one.

            “That bastard deserved it,” Brady said in disgust.

            “I don’t care,” Ward replied. “In my office. Now.” I stared in shock as the two hall monitors roughly grabbed onto Brady’s shirt collar and practically dragged him out of the cafeteria. I watched in in disgust as students gathered around Collin, helping him up and asking if he was okay. If he was okay. No one acknowledged me there, battered and bruised. No one acknowledged the words that had come out of Brady’s mouth. Everyone surrounded this popular football prodigy and murmured words of comfort.

            “Fucking psycho,” Collin growled, looking over his shoulder at me. His glare was fire and ice, burning through to my blood and freezing my veins. I would pay for this later, I knew it. He was going to give me hell. His eyes burned through me, and I knew exactly what they said. I’ll get you, bitch.

            I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the room, making a beeline for the principal’s office. I ignored the protests from his secretary and burst into his office.

            “Principal Ward!” I shouted. He looked up in surprise. Brady turned around and stared.

            “Ms. Roberts, I’m a little busy at the moment. Whatever it is, I’m sure it can wait--”.

            “No, sir,” I interrupted, “It can’t.” The principal raised his eyebrows at me. “Please.” He gestured for me to sit down. I sat. Brady took my hand and squeezed it. He looked at me as if to say, you don’t have to do this. I knew I had to.

            “Look,” I began in a shaky voice. My hands were trembling. Brady squeezed them in comfort. “Brady had every right to do what he did. I know Collin is my…boyfriend. Or he was, anyway.” I took a deep breath. Shit this was hard. “You see, I need to end my relationship with him. I should have ended it before it began. Collin…well he isn’t who you think he is, Mr. Ward. You see this bruise?” Immediately his eyes darted to my left eye. Concern flashed across his face. “He gave this to me.” Mr. Ward gasped. “He gave me one last week, too. The first time he raped me.” And when that sentence escaped my lips, it was like vomit. I keeled over, sobbing over the word, unable to contain the emotion tearing through my skin. Brady wrapped his arms tight around me while I forced myself to breathe.

            “You didn’t have to do that,” Brady whispered in my ear.

            “Yes I did, “ I hissed back. I stood up straight again and stared Mr. Ward down.

            “Have you gone to the police?” He looked like he couldn’t tell if he was shocked, concerned, or both.

            “No.” He opened his mouth to protest. “And I don’t intend to,” I said, interrupting whatever he was about to say. “I just don’t want Brady to get in trouble. He was just trying to protect me. I don’t want him to get in trouble for that.” I took Brady’s hand and walked out of the office.

            “Hey,” he said, stopping and turning to hug me. “Thank you. You didn’t have to that.”

            “Yeah, I did. Stop saying I didn’t. It’s the least I can do.” After all, I thought to myself, what else could I do? He was risking everything he could to keep me safe. The least I could do was protect him from the consequences. I already knew that we would end up sharing bruises in this fight against my demon.

Should Have Said No--Chapter 4

Chapter Four

            The days passed by in slow motion. My bruise healed but my soul was still broken. Collin continued to act like everything was fine. I went to his house every day after school, and sometimes, things were good. He’d tickle me and kiss me on the mouth while I laughed, and it was easy to forget that he was a monster inside. It was when I went home at night that I’d fall apart, consumed by the raw agony of the Event.  I found myself skipping classes experiencing fatigue and headaches whenever the flashbacks hit, unable to attend class. And the one day I went home to feel safe, I quickly discovered I wasn’t.

            I might have been dreaming when there was a soft tap on my door, but I couldn’t tell. I barely remembered what a dream was, now that I was living a nightmare. I lifted my head and saw my mother at the door.

            “Yeah, come in,” I mumbled sleepily, sitting up. I pulled the sleeve of my sweatshirt down, making sure my cuts were covered. If she saw them she would have me committed and I would have to talk to a group of strangers about what happened. I would much rather keep this coping skill to myself.

 My mother came and sat down on my bed. She was dressed in her work clothes.

            “I thought you didn’t have work today,” I pointed out.

            “I don’t. A client called with an emergency, so I have to go in. Will you be okay while I’m gone?”

            No, I wanted to say. The idea of being alone terrified me. Being alone meant I wasn’t protected. And Collin knew where I lived. And I didn’t know if he would try to show up here.

            “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I lied, fighting the urge to cry. My mother reached out and stroked my face.

            “You’ll call me if you need anything? If you need me to come home or anything…”

            “I’ll be fine,” I lied again. “Go to work, you’ll be late.”

            She kissed my forehead and walked out of the room.  I curled up deep beneath my covers until I heard the front door shut. I bolted down the stairs and locked the front door, making sure I slid the chain lock. I ran to the back door and dead bolted it, along with the garage door. I locked all the windows on the first floor and hurried back up the stairs. Even though I secured the house, I still felt unsafe. I picked up my phone from my nightstand and sent Brady a text.

            HOME ALONE. PLEASE COME OVER?

            I took my phone with me into the bathroom and ran the hot water in the shower until the room was filled with thick steam. I sat down on the floor, letting the steam engulf me, swallow me, and pierce my lungs with its blistering heat. My phone buzzed.

            I’LL BE RIGHT OVER.

            I breathed a sigh of relief and shut the water off. I shuffled back to my room and crawled into bed.

            LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU’RE HERE AND I’LL UNLOCK THE DOOR, I texted back. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I tried to think back to when I was in Elementary school and I didn’t know who Collin Michaelson was. I tried to think back to the day before he asked me out. Who was I on that day? My memory was foggy. The event left no trace of who I used to be. I was corrupted. I was a stranger to my own eyes. I started to doze off, worn out from crying and worrying. I was vaguely aware of a strange sound in my room, but I was already frozen in the mental state of not knowing the difference between dreams and reality.

            I felt my bed sink down a little, and I tried to pull myself out of my dream state, but I was too tired. I felt a large, warm hand traveling up my sweatshirt and under my bra. I squirmed, trying to escape the nightmare. I felt warm lips on mine, and a tongue pushing into my mouth. I bit down on it, and was jolted awake by a hard smack across the face. My eyes snapped open to see Collin’s face hovering above mine.

            It’s a nightmare, I told myself. You’ll wake up soon. It won’t last long. It’s just a nightmare.

            He reached for the backpack behind him and pulled out a bandana. He came prepared? What the fuck kind of bastard planned this? I tried to scream, but the fabric gagged me before I could. He pinned me down and tied my wrists to my headboard with some rope. I screamed through the bandana, knowing that no one would be able to hear me. 

            “Please try to be quiet,” Collin murmured, tying down my legs. I sobbed hysterically in response. “See, behavior like that is only going to make it worse.” How could it get worse, I asked myself. I was defenseless. I was open to being destroyed. I couldn’t fight back, even if I wanted to. I pulled against the rope bonds, but all that did was chafe my skin. He slide my pants off and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to pretend that this wasn’t happening again. I didn’t know who this man was. I thought it was the senior football captain, Collin Michaelson. But this man possessing me, controlling me, dominating me, was a demon. A nightmare.

            At this point, I knew I wouldn’t wake up from a nightmare, because it wasn’t a nightmare. This was real life. I screamed and sobbed into the bandana and struggled against the bonds that rendered me helpless. I wished I knew why he was doing this to me. I wished I knew how I couldn’t see it. I wished I knew how to escape him. As he pushed into me, hard and painful, I lay there, numb, trying to ignore the pressure and the raw pain. I was a doll to him. I wasn’t a human being. I wasn’t a woman. I was a doll that he felt he could do whatever he wished to.

            When he finished, he untied me. I lay motionless, spread-eagle, dazed. He pulled my pants back up. I didn’t see anything but fuzz. My world was a blur a kaleidoscope of black and white chaos that was impossible to understand. He leaned over and whispered in my ear.

            “And that’s all you’re good for, bitch”. He kissed my neck and climbed out the window as stealthily as he came in.

            I stared at the ceiling and was vaguely aware of my phone buzzing. It was probably Brady asking me to let him in. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even think. I was a doll. His little doll that he can play with whenever he wants. I was supposed to be safe here. I knew now I wasn’t. I thought back to a time where I was safe no matter where I went- when my hair was in two braids and my dresses swished at my knees. When I was a child I was always safe. I didn’t know there were dangers in life. I didn’t know that people like Collin existed, and that these people can do what he does. All I knew about life was that in the summer it was hot and the air tasted like ocean and sunshine, and there were colors and sounds that taught me about beauty. I knew that those colors became brilliant in the fall when the chill crept into the air and the scent of foliage permeated all around me. I knew that fall turned into winter, a brutal, cold three or four months that smelled of fire, family, and fleece blankets.

  I heard a sound downstairs, like a crash, and then footsteps pounding up the stairs. The image in my head faded away and my heart lurched in my chest, jumping up into my throat in choked fear. My door flew open and Brady burst into my room. He took in the scene before him. The curtains were flapping in the breeze, and I was still tied to the bed. Collin didn’t clean up very well, as prepared as he was. My body hung limp from my restraints, my wrists and ankles raw and bleeding. The bandana was still in my mouth, keeping me from crying out for help.

            Brady ran up to the bedside screaming, “Heaven! Heaven what happened?” He pulled the gag out of my mouth and I began to sob hysterically. He took in the rope that held me down, the surrender in my body, the state of my unbuttoned jeans, sloppily pulled up around my hips. “Heaven…” He began to cry to. He took my scissors and sawed at the rope. “Oh my God,” he whispered, seeing the angry red slashes on my arm. “What happened to you?”

            He finished sawing and I was free. I collapsed on the floor and curled into a ball. I opened my lungs and began to scream. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Brady knelt down next to me and tried to put his arm around me, but I only screamed louder. I didn’t know that I could ever let a man touch me again. I wanted this nightmare to end, and I was going to end it. I didn’t know how, and I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty, but it had to stop.

            “Heaven,” Brady begged, “Please…what happened?”

            I sobbed and sobbed and hugged my knees close to me as if they were the only things that were keeping me alive.

            “He raped me,” I breathed, barely a whisper, barely a breath. The word was a curse on my lips, a demon, and a stranger that was unspoken until now. It was foreign and didn’t sound right. The word made my blood turn cold and my mind was invaded by the endless memories of the past week. Brady’s face turned ghost white and I could feel him trembling.

            “What?” His voice was almost as nonexistent as mine. “What did he do?” I just shook my head. I couldn’t say it again.

            “Who.” It wasn’t a question. I knew he already knew who it was. I felt the waves of tension rolling off of him like a tsunami. I started whimpering again, anxiety creeping up on me like a shadow. He put his arms around me and I panicked. I thrashed around uncontrollably, screaming and sobbing, but he didn’t let me ago. Finally I sank into his arms, crying empty tears.

            “He just left, didn’t he?” he asked. I nodded, trying not to imagine it again. He stroked my hair in comfort and despite what I thought, I faded into his embrace and I actually felt safe. I knew Brady wouldn’t hurt me. I was safe with him. Maybe only him, for the rest of my life. He examined the burn marks on my wrists and ankles.

            “C’mon,” he said softly, “let’s go take care of those, okay?” He led me into the bathroom and unearthed the gauze and medical tape, and with the tenderness of a lover, wrapped the wounds. He stared at me for a very long time. I couldn’t meet his gaze. “Do you want to go to the police?”

            I shook my head violently. I just wanted to forget this happened. He understood. I don’t know how long we sat there in the bathroom, but we didn’t move until the front door opened and I heard the familiar sound of my mother’s footsteps in the hallway. I knew she wouldn’t come in. she probably assumed I was sleeping and didn’t want to disturb me. Brady cautiously took my hand and I looked up at him and I knew he saw the broken spirit. His eyes filled with tears and he picked me up and tucked me into bed.

            “Please stay,” I whispered, unwilling to let go of his hand. My safe haven. My best friend. I needed him. I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t face the morning by myself. “Don’t go…I can’t be alone. Please…”

            “Okay, sweetie,” he murmured, kissing my forehead. I flinched, and sorrow crept into his features. He knelt down by the bed, holding my hand, refusing to look away. “I’m so sorry this happened, Heaven.” My eyes started to droop. I wanted to answer him, but I was so tired. I was consumed by fatigue and I imagine sleeping forever and escaping what happened. I knew that was impossible but at this point my psyche couldn’t handle rationalization. As my consciousness began to fade, Brady continued to speak. “I should have protected you more.” I could hear the tears in his voice. He sniffed. “I should have been there. I know he did it more than once. I know he gave you that bruise. I should have done more…” His voice faded away as I began to drift off to sleep. He stroked my hair softly and began to sing softly.

            “Nothing’s gunna harm you, not while I’m around. Nothing’s gunna harm you, no sir, not while I’m around…”

Should Have Said No--Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I didn’t tell anyone what happened. I took this event and locked it away, deep in my chest. I lied to my mother and father about the bruise on my face, left by the fury of Collin’s hand, telling them someone accidentally threw a basketball at my face. I wrapped an ace bandage around my arm and put on a sweatshirt. No one was ever going to know about this.

            I didn’t know how I was going to go to school with him there. I didn’t know what he was telling people. I was afraid to end the relationship for fear he would hit me again. I’d seen the videos in Wellness my sophomore. I knew relationships like this were bad. I knew I was a coward. I knew it would be best and safest to leave, but he had this secret, too. I couldn’t let him share it. I couldn’t let him make me sound dirtier.

            After I had cleaned up my floor of the blood, I’d taken a shower. A scalding hot shower. I wanted to wash every impurity off of me. I wanted to wash his smell off my skin. I scrubbed and scrubbed my skin, trying to wash the Event away. I tried to wash down there, but no matter how hard I scrubbed, I still felt dirty. The burning water had stung the angry slashes on my arm. When the water was finally cold, I turned it off.

            Now I stared at myself. I barely recognized my own reflection. Yesterday I had been a completely different girl. Yesterday, I was alive. I had energy and youth and a spirit to declare freedom. Today I was dead. I was drained and I felt a thousand years older. My eyes were empty. I couldn’t see the girl I was anywhere. I hadn’t bothered with makeup, and my hair was thrown up in a messy bun. I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and trudged downstairs.

            “Honey, are you okay?” my mother asked in the car. “I’m really worried about you.”

            “I’m fine,” I mumbled, staring out the window without seeing anything.

            “Are things with Collin okay?” My stomach jumped to my throat. I swallowed hard.

            “They’re fine,” I lied. She pulled up in front of the school.

            “You know you can talk to me, Heaven. I don’t want you to think you can’t.”

            I felt tears in my eyes. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to be folded into her arms where I knew I’d be safe and secure. I wanted to cry until I had no tears left. But I couldn’t.

            “I’m fine,” I managed to choke out. I hurried out of the car and into the school without giving her a chance to respond. I didn’t want to look back for fear that I would succumb to the childish need and desperation to fall into her lap and cry my pain onto her shoulders.

            I looked around at all the students. They pushed past me on the way to class. They loitered at their lockers, talking with their friends. They laughed and joked around. I felt like a stranger among them. Could they tell? Did they know that there was a ghost walking with them? Or was I just as invisible as I always was?

            I was on my way to my second period class when I saw him. He was laughing with his friends. I felt my skin grow hot as he caught my eye and winked at me.

“Hey,” he called across the hall. He shrugged off the wall and sauntered up to me. I felt myself shrinking into my body, trying to escape. He approached me and wrapped his arms around my waste, his breath on my face. I tried not to throw up. He pulled my close against him as I tried to push him away. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “You know better than to squeal. You know you liked it.” I felt my soul screaming. “And you’re going to keep liking it.”

I backed away from him, watching the grin spread across his face like he was so fucking proud of himself. I turned and dashed into the girl’s bathroom and threw up. I wiped my mouth and sobbed quietly. How could he act like nothing happened? Even worse, how can he act like he wasn’t wrong when he knew what he did? I fell back against the stall door, hugging my sides, trying to keep myself together. I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. I pulled the scissors out of my bag and unwrapped my arm. I drew the blade hard against the soft skin and watched it bleed. I imagined the Event leaving my body. I felt better.

            I rewrapped the fresh wound and continued on with my day. I was relieved that I didn’t share any classes with Collin. I wouldn’t be able to survive the day. I hardly ever saw him, actually, except at lunch. That’s when he attacked again

            I was staring into space when Brady took my hand and sat down at the table. I jumped.

            “Heaven, what’s wrong?” Brady’s brow furrowed in concern. “You look…oh my God! What happened to your face?!”

            “I’m fine,” I mumbled. It seemed like I was saying that a lot lately. I tried to pull my hand away, but he held on.

            “I know you. You’re not fine. You have a huge bruise on your face…Did something happen?”

            “Nothing happened,” Collin’s voice said from behind me. My blood turned to ice and my face paled. “Right Heaven?” He rubbed my shoulders and I thought I would be sick again.

            “Nothing happened,” I lied, forcing a smile. Brady watched the encounter in angry silence. Collin kissed my neck. I fought the urge to scream.

            “What did you do to her,” Brady suddenly demanded. Collin stared him down.

            “I didn’t do anything,” Collin replied coolly, and went back to my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut. I’m not here, I told myself. I’m at home, sleeping. This is just a dream. I’ll wake up soon.

            “That’s bullshit!” Brady said. “Fucking bullshit! I can see her! Look at her face!” Collin let go of my shoulders and towered over Brady.

            “Mind your fucking business,” Collin growled menacingly. He grabbed my arm and yanked me out of my seat and into a secluded hallway outside of the cafeteria.

            “Now listen to me, you little slut,” he snarled, slamming me against a locker. “You will not tell anyone. Especially your friend.”

            “Please let go of me,” I begged softly, not looking at him.

            “Stay away from him,” he ordered, throwing me to the ground. “If I find out you’re putting out to him, too, then you’re dead.” He looked around quickly to make sure no one saw before he stormed off. I took out my cell phone.

            “Mommy? Hi, can you come get me? Yeah, I don’t feel good.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “Pleas e come. Okay. Thank you.” I ran down the stairs and hid in the girl’s bathroom until my mother came. I would go home. I would stay with her. I would be safe.