This chapter is a little shorter but it's awesome! enjoy!
Chapter Seven
The sky was darkening with angry clouds when I pulled into the parking lot. A few splotches of rain splattered onto my windshield as I sat with the engine idling and the air conditioning on full blast. It was close to forty degrees out, but my entire body felt hot, like it was burning from the inside out. I stared at the decrepit white building in front of me, and my stomach tightened in anxiety. My hands trembled as I turned the car off and stepped out into the cold. I wrapped my jacket tight around me and headed inside.
It wasn’t what I expected at all. I always imagined an abortion clinic to be full of white trash teenagers who got too drunk at a house party, but instead I saw a collection of well-matured women, and a few young ladies. They were well dressed, as if they were just coming home from work. There were landscape paintings on the wall, a few by Monet. The carpet was clean. The walls were evenly painted a nice eggshell color. For a moment I wondered if I was even in the right place.
“Can I help you, sweetie?” I startled at the sound of the secretary’s warm voice.
“Oh, uhm, yeah,” I looked down and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Uhm, I need a, uh… you know…” I couldn’t make eye contact with her. I was embarrassed. My cheeks burned.
“Okay, dear,” she said, handing me a clipboard with paperwork attached. “Fill this form out, and have a seat. A clinician will be out in a moment.” She smiled pleasantly, and I returned what I hoped was the same thing. I sat down on one of seven black chairs and stared at the form.
Name. Date. Age. How long have you been sexually active?
I haven’t, I thought to myself. I didn’t choose this. What do they do for people like me? Could I just go up to the kind receptionist and scream at her? Could I tell her that I can’t answer these questions because it wasn’t my choice? Would she listen? Would she even care? Is that part of her job? To pretend to care? Is she paid to pretend? Maybe I should be paid to pretend. Maybe it would make pretending that much easier.
“Heaven?” I looked up. A slender woman in a doctor’s coat and a brown bun stood in the doorway with a binder. She smiled at me. “Hi, I’m Dr. Clark. Are you ready?”
No. “Yeah.” I stood up and followed her down the hall and into the room.
“Have a seat on the table, honey.” I hoisted myself up and stared at my lap. “Did you fill out the paperwork?”
“Oh. Yeah, here”, I mumbled, handing her the form. “I didn’t finish it.”
“That’s okay, we can finish it here. How long have you been sexually active?” I didn’t know how to answer.
“I guess almost three months,” I said eventually. My stomach was doing flip flops. I just wanted this over and done with.
“How many sexual partners have you had?” I thought I would throw up.
“One, I guess.” I suddenly seemed to notice every little sound. The pen scratching down my answers was like a mosquito in my ear. I wanted to questionnaire to be over.
“One last question, okay?” I nodded. “Have you ever been tested for STIs?” I shook my head. The anxiety was in my chest now. I felt like I was about to explode. I just wanted this demon out of me.
“Would you like to be?” I shook my head again.
“I just want this to be over,” I whispered, fighting back tears. I could feel her staring at me.
“Okay, honey. I need you to undress from the waist down and put this sheet over you, okay?” I nodded. She put a comforting hand on my shoulder and walked out of the room. I stood and mechanically removed my jeans. I slipped out of my panties and wrapped the stupid sheet around my waist. I sat back on the table, legs tightly crossed. I waited for the doctor to come back in and remove this thing from my body. The clock seemed to be ticking slower than usual. I imagined the little embryo, sucking the life out of me. Did it know where it came from? I I wondered if it had a heartbeat yet.
There was a tap on the door and Dr. Clark walked in. She pulled a tray in behind her. I took one look at the tools on the table and the room started swimming. Cold sweat broke out of my forehead. I thought I was going to faint.
“Okay, so before we start, I’m just going to do a quick exam. Then I’ll give you some medicine for the pain, through an IV, and then some sedatives.”
I gulped nervously and nodded.
“It will be over sooner than you think. Just try to relax.” Relax? I thought, laying back on the table. She wants me to relax? “Okay, now I just need you to let your knees just kind of fall to the sides.” I tried to relax my knees, but I couldn’t. She put her gloves on and started the exam. She didn’t get very far. The minute her hands touched me I jerked away, closing my knees. “Honey, you need to relax. It’s fine, okay?” It’s fine. It’s fine. His voice was in my head. Come on, babe. It’s fine. A scream echoed around the room, and I realized it came from my own throat. I tore myself away from her prodding hands, threw my clothes back on, and ran out of the clinic as fast as I could.
I paced my room frantically. I stared again at the test that I had not yet thrown away. What was I supposed to do now? I didn’t know how far along I was, I didn’t know how I could deal with this. I didn’t even know who to turn to. I wanted to run away. I wanted to take off into the bay and run across the water until I found a place that was safe. The idea of a place being safe was unreal. Such a place probably didn’t even exist.
I stared out the window, watching the rain glide down the glass. I wondered if it would snow soon. It usually snowed here by Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was a few days away. Thanksgiving, time to be thankful. What did I have to be thankful about? I guess I could say my family, but at the same time, they had no idea what was happening. I wondered how I would tell them. I wondered what they would say. Should I tell them everything, or should I keep it quiet. Maybe I if I got the strength to go back to the clinic, I wouldn’t have to say anything to anyone. I didn’t see that happening. I only saw myself repeatedly running out. And here I was, running out. I was running out of time. I had to make a decision.
I thought about adoption. Maybe I could do that. But then I’d have to carry this thing in me for nine months. I’d have to go to appointments and pretend I wanted to be there. I’d have to go to school every day and face endless days of torment. Well, I thought bitterly to myself, I’d have to do that anyway. Collin was already telling everyone I was a whore. Might as well just make it a fact, right?
I picked up the phone and dialed the number.
“Hello?” As soon as he answered, I hung up. I threw myself down on the bed. I couldn’t do this. Not yet. Not now. Not ever.
I stood up and took a deep breath. I dialed the number again. My hands shook so hard I thought I’d drop the phone. This time when he answered, I spoke.
“Collin?”
