Chapter Nine
Brady and I sat in his living room, surrounded by half empty packages of Twizzlers and Hershey Bar wrappers. The Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special buzzed in the background as I tore apart the last chocolate bar. I found that the smoothness of the sweet candy calmed my nerves and cleared my head.
On the walk over here, I had decided to tell Brady that I was pregnant. I couldn’t keep carrying around the heaviness of a secret, something that was more of a burden than the demon growing in my body. It disgusted me to think about it, but I pushed that irrelevant thought aside and cleared my throat.
“Brady, I came here to tell you something,” I began. “It’s scary and nerve-racking and infuriating, even, but I need you to just stay calm. Anything other than that will be too much for me. Can you do that?” Brady nodded, but I could see the tension in his eyes.
I took a deep breath that felt like it came from my toes.
“I’m pregnant.” I let the words sink in. I waited patiently as a flurry of emotions danced across my best friend’s face. Shock, naturally. Then came anger, sadness, blistering fury, and defeat. He was crushed, I could see that. He took my hand and held it to his face.
“That’s why the girls have been saying stuff to you,” he said at last. I nodded. “I’m assuming you’ve made the decision to keep it?” Again, I nodded. “Have you told him yet?”
I sighed. “Yeah, I didn’t really have a choice. He was bound to find out sooner or later, right?”
“Are you going to give it up? For adoption, I mean?”
“I don’t know yet. Probably. This whole pregnancy thing it going to destroy me, though.” I leaned back and threw my arm over my eyes. “I feel like it already is.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s hard to explain. It’s like…It’s like a parasite or something. It needs me to survive and live, but I don’t want it. How can I care for something that I don’t want? I tried abortion already, but clearly that didn’t work out.” I heaved another sigh. “I don’t know if this decision means I’m weak or strong. I guess we’ll just have to find out.” Brady tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.
“Heaven, you don’t even know how strong you are. You should be proud of yourself for still being here.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could just fade away into the background the way I used to. I know this is just the beginning. If I’m having such a hard time now, can you even imagine how I will be in a few months?”
“Don’t worry about that right now,” Brady said. “We have other things we need to focus on.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Have you told your parents yet?” I could see where this was going.
“No.”
“Well, I think you should, and soon. It’s better for them to know through you than to find out through someone else. It’s a small town, Heaven. It won’t take too long for word to get to them.”
I sighed in defeat. He was right. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was right.
“Come with me?”
For whatever reason, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was intruding in my own home. The tension in the air didn’t fit with the scent of warm apple pie and nutmeg. My mother sat in a crumpled heap on the floor, tears pouring down her face. My father was a stone cold cement block. I sat on the sofa, numb to my bones, trying to blur out the scene I felt so guilty for causing. Next to me, Brady sat holding my hands tightly in his own. When I was telling my parents, he had let me squeeze his hand as hard as I needed to whenever I was saying something that was particularly difficult. I had watched in utter heartbreak as confusion and then horror and finally anguish crossed over my mother’s face. I had watched a permanent expression of fury settle onto my father’s.
I surprised myself by staying calm. At first, I had felt like I was choking. The words had seemed impossible to say, but with Brady’s gentle probing, the words came out a little smoother. My mother was in disbelief at first. Denial, I suppose you could call it. Eventually she just broke down. I didn’t know what was worse-telling them I was pregnant, or telling them I planned on keeping the pregnancy.
Finally, my mother spoke. “What are you going to do,” she asked, wiping her eyes with a tissue. I took a deep breath.
“I’ve decided to go through with the pregnancy. I’m going to give it up for adoption. I tried to…terminate the pregnancy already, but I couldn’t go through with it. I guess just the idea of killing something that didn’t choose to be here is just as bad as what he did.” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my father squeezing his eyes shut and pinching the bridge of his nose, as if he were trying to push some God-awful image out of his mind.
“Okay,” my mother sighed, as if she had suddenly aged a hundred years. She stood up and embraced me. I stood with my arms by my sides, unsure of how to react. It was a hug from my mother, nothing to be scared of. I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled her soft, feminine scent, a smell that reminded me of the woods in spring.
“I love you, Heaven. I’m proud of you for coming to us.”
I shrugged. “What other choice did I have?” My mother pulled away and looked at me, cupping my face in her hands.
“You would have carried this burden on your own, honey. I know you.” She turned to Brady. “Did you know about this?” His eyes darted to mine nervously before he nodded.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he apologized. “She wanted to tell you herself, and I couldn’t betray her trust like that.” Mom nodded in understanding and turned to the phone.
“I’m going to call a friend of mine. She’ll be able to help you. Can you go upstairs and get dressed for me? Everyone will be getting here soon. Let’s just grin and bear it tonight, okay?” I nodded, and taking Brady’s hand, slowly made my way upstairs. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but notice that my father still hadn’t moved.
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