Chapter Eight
The next day, I sat in the gymnasium, watching a bunch of cheerleaders dance around, shouting out praise to the local football team. The annual pep rally was something I never looked forward to in the first place, but this year it was even worse. The football team was going to go up soon, and Collin would make a nice, inspirational speech about how the Yellow Hornets are going to win the big game. Good for them. I didn’t want to sit through this. I watched the clock tick away every minute, waiting for it to be over.
“Hey,” Brady said, sitting down next to me. “Sorry I’m late. I had to make up that psychology test.”
“It’s cool,” I replied distractedly. Collin pranced onto the court, waving his arms around, revving up the crowd.
“You okay?”
“Oh. Yeah,” I mumbled. “Yeah I’m okay.” I could feel Collin staring at me as I sat hunched down in the bleachers. I tried to tune him out as much as I could, but his voice was a disease, entering my ears and infecting my brain. He introduced all the team members, and they all slapped each other on the back, like they were family, and Collin was their father. If only they knew what kind of person he was. What would they do if they knew? If they knew what he did to me, would they care?
“…And that really worries me, Heaven. Heaven?” I looked up. Oh. I guess Brady was talking to me.
“Sorry.” I laughed nervously. “I guess I just kind of zoned out.”
“What were you thinking about?” he asked, his brow furrowed in concern. I sighed and wrapped my arms around myself. I was thinking about how Collin’s voice was a headache, how it made my temples throb, and how it was like no matter what I did, I couldn’t tune him out. I was thinking about our conversation last night, and how his face had looked when I told him I was pregnant with his child, and that I was keeping it. I was thinking about the terrifying shade of red his face turned. I was thinking about his hands wrapped tightly around my arms as he slammed me against the wall and called me a whore. I was thinking about the dark purple bruises on my skin as a result of his fury. I was thinking about how I didn’t ask for this.
“Just stuff, I guess,” I answered. “Nothing important.”
Just then, Collin’s voice got louder. I turned and faced the court, where he stood, staring right at me. He was pointing. He was pointing at me.
“…down here. Come on, babe.” Come on, babe. I stood. Everyone was staring at me. I walked down the bleachers and stood next to him.
“What are you doing?” I hissed. He pulled me close to him as if in a loving embrace, except his grasp was too strong and suffocating.
“I’m making sure you get what you deserve,” he breathed. He kept me locked at his side while he spoke into the microphone.
“For those of you who don’t know Heaven, let me tell you, she’s quite the catch. In fact, I’m having a nice dinner with her tonight, and I’m bringing some of my closest friends!” He gestured to the football team. I wondered if anyone could see me shaking. I just wanted to disappear. His scent was burning my nose, and all I could think about was his breath on my neck as he pulled me close again, feigning love for his eager audience. He wished everyone a happy thanksgiving, and I ran out as fast as I could.
“What was that?” Brady asked, running up behind me. “What the fuck was that?”
“I don’t know! I don’t fucking know!” I screamed, pushing him away from me.
“You’re having dinner with that asshole?” I turned away from him and continued walking. He closely followed. “Are you kidding me, Heaven? I thought you were smarter than that!” I turned on him and got in his face.
“Yeah, Brady, of course you do. I’m fucking stupid, right? Went and got myself raped because I’m a fucking whore right? Is that what you think? Are you with everyone else?” I regretted my words the second they left my mouth. The look on Brady’s face expressed every ounce of hurt I felt.
“Brady, I’m sorry…” I reached for him, but he just looked away. “Brady, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”
“What are they saying to you,” he asked, looking up at me. He looked like he was about to cry. “What are people saying to you, Heaven?” I looked away, ashamed of myself. I didn’t want to tell him what the girls say to me when I walk through the halls. If it was this bad now, what will they do when they find out I’m….
“They call me a slut. Collin must have started a rumor.”
“Is that what the dinner thing was all about?” I nodded.
“I’m assuming it’s just a scam to make everyone more convinced that I’m a whore.” Brady took my hand.
“You know you’re not a whore, right?” I stared at my feet. “Right?”
“I don’t know what I am anymore.”
When I got home, my mother was already cooking. The house smelled of apple cinnamon and family traditions. Usually, I would have put on an apron and a smile and helped bake the second pie, but not this year. This year I just stared. I watched my mother bustle around the kitchen, cleaning as she cooked. The sun shining through the little window above the sink caught her hair and made it shimmer. She looked so happy, and all she was doing was baking an apple pie. I wished something so simple could make me happy.
“Hi, mom”, I said at last.
“Oh! Hi, sweetie! I didn’t realize you were home! How was your day?”
“It was all right,” I replied, shrugging off my backpack. It was getting easier and easier for me to pretend everything was okay. Sometimes I felt guilty about lying to her, but most of the time it didn’t even bother me. My conscience would just have to get over it.
“How was the pep rally?” My stomach dropped. “Are you okay?”
“What? Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Yeah, it was okay. Lame, as usual, I guess.” I pretended I was interested in the floral arrangement on the table. “The color guard team still sucks.”
“Well, at least this is the last year you’ll have to put up with it,” she replied with a laugh. “Can you pass me the butter, please?”
“Hey, mom?” I passed her the butter.
“Yes?”
I cleared my throat. Maybe this wasn’t a good time. After all, tomorrow was Thanksgiving. I didn’t need to go and ruin the atmosphere. And then after that was Christmas, and I didn’t want to mess up that holiday either.
“Never mind.” I snatched up an apple and turned towards the stairs. “I’ll be in my room.”
“Okay, sweetie. Call me if you need me!”
“Yeah,” I called, shutting my door. I flopped down onto my bed and stared at the ceiling for a minute. I realized I didn’t feel well. I my heart started pounding in my chest. I lurched out of bed and booked it to the bathroom. After I finished, I sat back against the tub, shaking. This was real. This was really happening to me. I couldn’t deny it, and at the same time, the thought of accepting it was sickening. I sighed. I guess I’m just going to have to deal, I thought to myself. I was surprised at how nonchalant I felt all of a sudden. It was like this wave of numbness washed over me. Maybe I didn’t care. Maybe I did. My feelings were a tsunami, washing over me. I couldn’t identify a single one.
I stood and returned to my room. I picked up my phone and called Brady.
“Hey,” I said when he answered the phone. “Are you busy?”
“Not right now. Why, what’s up?”
“Can I come over for a little bit? I’m feeling a little cooped up.” Anxiety crept up on me.
“Yeah sure, come on over”.
“All right, I’ll see you in a few minutes,” I replied, and hung up. I turned and examined myself in the mirror. I didn’t look any different, aside from the emptiness in my eyes. I assumed it wasn’t too noticeable, since my parents haven’t said anything. My parents. How was I going to tell them? I didn’t want to think about that yet. I would wait until after the holidays. I threw on my jacket and hurried down the stairs.
“Mom, I’m going out,” I called, opening the front door.
“Where are you heading?”
“Brady’s house,” I replied.
“Okay, have fun!”
I closed the door behind me and ducked my head against the cold. The sky had that whiteish yellow glow to it, the color that meant it would snow. I sighed. It would be amazing if I could get away, maybe go to Florida. Anything would be better than enduring this long, cold winter with the world against me.
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