Chapter Four
The days passed by in slow motion. My bruise healed but my soul was still broken. Collin continued to act like everything was fine. I went to his house every day after school, and sometimes, things were good. He’d tickle me and kiss me on the mouth while I laughed, and it was easy to forget that he was a monster inside. It was when I went home at night that I’d fall apart, consumed by the raw agony of the Event. I found myself skipping classes experiencing fatigue and headaches whenever the flashbacks hit, unable to attend class. And the one day I went home to feel safe, I quickly discovered I wasn’t.
I might have been dreaming when there was a soft tap on my door, but I couldn’t tell. I barely remembered what a dream was, now that I was living a nightmare. I lifted my head and saw my mother at the door.
“Yeah, come in,” I mumbled sleepily, sitting up. I pulled the sleeve of my sweatshirt down, making sure my cuts were covered. If she saw them she would have me committed and I would have to talk to a group of strangers about what happened. I would much rather keep this coping skill to myself.
My mother came and sat down on my bed. She was dressed in her work clothes.
“I thought you didn’t have work today,” I pointed out.
“I don’t. A client called with an emergency, so I have to go in. Will you be okay while I’m gone?”
No, I wanted to say. The idea of being alone terrified me. Being alone meant I wasn’t protected. And Collin knew where I lived. And I didn’t know if he would try to show up here.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I lied, fighting the urge to cry. My mother reached out and stroked my face.
“You’ll call me if you need anything? If you need me to come home or anything…”
“I’ll be fine,” I lied again. “Go to work, you’ll be late.”
She kissed my forehead and walked out of the room. I curled up deep beneath my covers until I heard the front door shut. I bolted down the stairs and locked the front door, making sure I slid the chain lock. I ran to the back door and dead bolted it, along with the garage door. I locked all the windows on the first floor and hurried back up the stairs. Even though I secured the house, I still felt unsafe. I picked up my phone from my nightstand and sent Brady a text.
HOME ALONE. PLEASE COME OVER?
I took my phone with me into the bathroom and ran the hot water in the shower until the room was filled with thick steam. I sat down on the floor, letting the steam engulf me, swallow me, and pierce my lungs with its blistering heat. My phone buzzed.
I’LL BE RIGHT OVER.
I breathed a sigh of relief and shut the water off. I shuffled back to my room and crawled into bed.
LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU’RE HERE AND I’LL UNLOCK THE DOOR, I texted back. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I tried to think back to when I was in Elementary school and I didn’t know who Collin Michaelson was. I tried to think back to the day before he asked me out. Who was I on that day? My memory was foggy. The event left no trace of who I used to be. I was corrupted. I was a stranger to my own eyes. I started to doze off, worn out from crying and worrying. I was vaguely aware of a strange sound in my room, but I was already frozen in the mental state of not knowing the difference between dreams and reality.
I felt my bed sink down a little, and I tried to pull myself out of my dream state, but I was too tired. I felt a large, warm hand traveling up my sweatshirt and under my bra. I squirmed, trying to escape the nightmare. I felt warm lips on mine, and a tongue pushing into my mouth. I bit down on it, and was jolted awake by a hard smack across the face. My eyes snapped open to see Collin’s face hovering above mine.
It’s a nightmare, I told myself. You’ll wake up soon. It won’t last long. It’s just a nightmare.
He reached for the backpack behind him and pulled out a bandana. He came prepared? What the fuck kind of bastard planned this? I tried to scream, but the fabric gagged me before I could. He pinned me down and tied my wrists to my headboard with some rope. I screamed through the bandana, knowing that no one would be able to hear me.
“Please try to be quiet,” Collin murmured, tying down my legs. I sobbed hysterically in response. “See, behavior like that is only going to make it worse.” How could it get worse, I asked myself. I was defenseless. I was open to being destroyed. I couldn’t fight back, even if I wanted to. I pulled against the rope bonds, but all that did was chafe my skin. He slide my pants off and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to pretend that this wasn’t happening again. I didn’t know who this man was. I thought it was the senior football captain, Collin Michaelson. But this man possessing me, controlling me, dominating me, was a demon. A nightmare.
At this point, I knew I wouldn’t wake up from a nightmare, because it wasn’t a nightmare. This was real life. I screamed and sobbed into the bandana and struggled against the bonds that rendered me helpless. I wished I knew why he was doing this to me. I wished I knew how I couldn’t see it. I wished I knew how to escape him. As he pushed into me, hard and painful, I lay there, numb, trying to ignore the pressure and the raw pain. I was a doll to him. I wasn’t a human being. I wasn’t a woman. I was a doll that he felt he could do whatever he wished to.
When he finished, he untied me. I lay motionless, spread-eagle, dazed. He pulled my pants back up. I didn’t see anything but fuzz. My world was a blur a kaleidoscope of black and white chaos that was impossible to understand. He leaned over and whispered in my ear.
“And that’s all you’re good for, bitch”. He kissed my neck and climbed out the window as stealthily as he came in.
I stared at the ceiling and was vaguely aware of my phone buzzing. It was probably Brady asking me to let him in. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even think. I was a doll. His little doll that he can play with whenever he wants. I was supposed to be safe here. I knew now I wasn’t. I thought back to a time where I was safe no matter where I went- when my hair was in two braids and my dresses swished at my knees. When I was a child I was always safe. I didn’t know there were dangers in life. I didn’t know that people like Collin existed, and that these people can do what he does. All I knew about life was that in the summer it was hot and the air tasted like ocean and sunshine, and there were colors and sounds that taught me about beauty. I knew that those colors became brilliant in the fall when the chill crept into the air and the scent of foliage permeated all around me. I knew that fall turned into winter, a brutal, cold three or four months that smelled of fire, family, and fleece blankets.
I heard a sound downstairs, like a crash, and then footsteps pounding up the stairs. The image in my head faded away and my heart lurched in my chest, jumping up into my throat in choked fear. My door flew open and Brady burst into my room. He took in the scene before him. The curtains were flapping in the breeze, and I was still tied to the bed. Collin didn’t clean up very well, as prepared as he was. My body hung limp from my restraints, my wrists and ankles raw and bleeding. The bandana was still in my mouth, keeping me from crying out for help.
Brady ran up to the bedside screaming, “Heaven! Heaven what happened?” He pulled the gag out of my mouth and I began to sob hysterically. He took in the rope that held me down, the surrender in my body, the state of my unbuttoned jeans, sloppily pulled up around my hips. “Heaven…” He began to cry to. He took my scissors and sawed at the rope. “Oh my God,” he whispered, seeing the angry red slashes on my arm. “What happened to you?”
He finished sawing and I was free. I collapsed on the floor and curled into a ball. I opened my lungs and began to scream. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Brady knelt down next to me and tried to put his arm around me, but I only screamed louder. I didn’t know that I could ever let a man touch me again. I wanted this nightmare to end, and I was going to end it. I didn’t know how, and I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty, but it had to stop.
“Heaven,” Brady begged, “Please…what happened?”
I sobbed and sobbed and hugged my knees close to me as if they were the only things that were keeping me alive.
“He raped me,” I breathed, barely a whisper, barely a breath. The word was a curse on my lips, a demon, and a stranger that was unspoken until now. It was foreign and didn’t sound right. The word made my blood turn cold and my mind was invaded by the endless memories of the past week. Brady’s face turned ghost white and I could feel him trembling.
“What?” His voice was almost as nonexistent as mine. “What did he do?” I just shook my head. I couldn’t say it again.
“Who.” It wasn’t a question. I knew he already knew who it was. I felt the waves of tension rolling off of him like a tsunami. I started whimpering again, anxiety creeping up on me like a shadow. He put his arms around me and I panicked. I thrashed around uncontrollably, screaming and sobbing, but he didn’t let me ago. Finally I sank into his arms, crying empty tears.
“He just left, didn’t he?” he asked. I nodded, trying not to imagine it again. He stroked my hair in comfort and despite what I thought, I faded into his embrace and I actually felt safe. I knew Brady wouldn’t hurt me. I was safe with him. Maybe only him, for the rest of my life. He examined the burn marks on my wrists and ankles.
“C’mon,” he said softly, “let’s go take care of those, okay?” He led me into the bathroom and unearthed the gauze and medical tape, and with the tenderness of a lover, wrapped the wounds. He stared at me for a very long time. I couldn’t meet his gaze. “Do you want to go to the police?”
I shook my head violently. I just wanted to forget this happened. He understood. I don’t know how long we sat there in the bathroom, but we didn’t move until the front door opened and I heard the familiar sound of my mother’s footsteps in the hallway. I knew she wouldn’t come in. she probably assumed I was sleeping and didn’t want to disturb me. Brady cautiously took my hand and I looked up at him and I knew he saw the broken spirit. His eyes filled with tears and he picked me up and tucked me into bed.
“Please stay,” I whispered, unwilling to let go of his hand. My safe haven. My best friend. I needed him. I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t face the morning by myself. “Don’t go…I can’t be alone. Please…”
“Okay, sweetie,” he murmured, kissing my forehead. I flinched, and sorrow crept into his features. He knelt down by the bed, holding my hand, refusing to look away. “I’m so sorry this happened, Heaven.” My eyes started to droop. I wanted to answer him, but I was so tired. I was consumed by fatigue and I imagine sleeping forever and escaping what happened. I knew that was impossible but at this point my psyche couldn’t handle rationalization. As my consciousness began to fade, Brady continued to speak. “I should have protected you more.” I could hear the tears in his voice. He sniffed. “I should have been there. I know he did it more than once. I know he gave you that bruise. I should have done more…” His voice faded away as I began to drift off to sleep. He stroked my hair softly and began to sing softly.
“Nothing’s gunna harm you, not while I’m around. Nothing’s gunna harm you, no sir, not while I’m around…”
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