Chapter Three
I didn’t tell anyone what happened. I took this event and locked it away, deep in my chest. I lied to my mother and father about the bruise on my face, left by the fury of Collin’s hand, telling them someone accidentally threw a basketball at my face. I wrapped an ace bandage around my arm and put on a sweatshirt. No one was ever going to know about this.
I didn’t know how I was going to go to school with him there. I didn’t know what he was telling people. I was afraid to end the relationship for fear he would hit me again. I’d seen the videos in Wellness my sophomore. I knew relationships like this were bad. I knew I was a coward. I knew it would be best and safest to leave, but he had this secret, too. I couldn’t let him share it. I couldn’t let him make me sound dirtier.
After I had cleaned up my floor of the blood, I’d taken a shower. A scalding hot shower. I wanted to wash every impurity off of me. I wanted to wash his smell off my skin. I scrubbed and scrubbed my skin, trying to wash the Event away. I tried to wash down there, but no matter how hard I scrubbed, I still felt dirty. The burning water had stung the angry slashes on my arm. When the water was finally cold, I turned it off.
Now I stared at myself. I barely recognized my own reflection. Yesterday I had been a completely different girl. Yesterday, I was alive. I had energy and youth and a spirit to declare freedom. Today I was dead. I was drained and I felt a thousand years older. My eyes were empty. I couldn’t see the girl I was anywhere. I hadn’t bothered with makeup, and my hair was thrown up in a messy bun. I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and trudged downstairs.
“Honey, are you okay?” my mother asked in the car. “I’m really worried about you.”
“I’m fine,” I mumbled, staring out the window without seeing anything.
“Are things with Collin okay?” My stomach jumped to my throat. I swallowed hard.
“They’re fine,” I lied. She pulled up in front of the school.
“You know you can talk to me, Heaven. I don’t want you to think you can’t.”
I felt tears in my eyes. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to be folded into her arms where I knew I’d be safe and secure. I wanted to cry until I had no tears left. But I couldn’t.
“I’m fine,” I managed to choke out. I hurried out of the car and into the school without giving her a chance to respond. I didn’t want to look back for fear that I would succumb to the childish need and desperation to fall into her lap and cry my pain onto her shoulders.
I looked around at all the students. They pushed past me on the way to class. They loitered at their lockers, talking with their friends. They laughed and joked around. I felt like a stranger among them. Could they tell? Did they know that there was a ghost walking with them? Or was I just as invisible as I always was?
I was on my way to my second period class when I saw him. He was laughing with his friends. I felt my skin grow hot as he caught my eye and winked at me.
“Hey,” he called across the hall. He shrugged off the wall and sauntered up to me. I felt myself shrinking into my body, trying to escape. He approached me and wrapped his arms around my waste, his breath on my face. I tried not to throw up. He pulled my close against him as I tried to push him away. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “You know better than to squeal. You know you liked it.” I felt my soul screaming. “And you’re going to keep liking it.”
I backed away from him, watching the grin spread across his face like he was so fucking proud of himself. I turned and dashed into the girl’s bathroom and threw up. I wiped my mouth and sobbed quietly. How could he act like nothing happened? Even worse, how can he act like he wasn’t wrong when he knew what he did? I fell back against the stall door, hugging my sides, trying to keep myself together. I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. I pulled the scissors out of my bag and unwrapped my arm. I drew the blade hard against the soft skin and watched it bleed. I imagined the Event leaving my body. I felt better.
I rewrapped the fresh wound and continued on with my day. I was relieved that I didn’t share any classes with Collin. I wouldn’t be able to survive the day. I hardly ever saw him, actually, except at lunch. That’s when he attacked again
I was staring into space when Brady took my hand and sat down at the table. I jumped.
“Heaven, what’s wrong?” Brady’s brow furrowed in concern. “You look…oh my God! What happened to your face?!”
“I’m fine,” I mumbled. It seemed like I was saying that a lot lately. I tried to pull my hand away, but he held on.
“I know you. You’re not fine. You have a huge bruise on your face…Did something happen?”
“Nothing happened,” Collin’s voice said from behind me. My blood turned to ice and my face paled. “Right Heaven?” He rubbed my shoulders and I thought I would be sick again.
“Nothing happened,” I lied, forcing a smile. Brady watched the encounter in angry silence. Collin kissed my neck. I fought the urge to scream.
“What did you do to her,” Brady suddenly demanded. Collin stared him down.
“I didn’t do anything,” Collin replied coolly, and went back to my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut. I’m not here, I told myself. I’m at home, sleeping. This is just a dream. I’ll wake up soon.
“That’s bullshit!” Brady said. “Fucking bullshit! I can see her! Look at her face!” Collin let go of my shoulders and towered over Brady.
“Mind your fucking business,” Collin growled menacingly. He grabbed my arm and yanked me out of my seat and into a secluded hallway outside of the cafeteria.
“Now listen to me, you little slut,” he snarled, slamming me against a locker. “You will not tell anyone. Especially your friend.”
“Please let go of me,” I begged softly, not looking at him.
“Stay away from him,” he ordered, throwing me to the ground. “If I find out you’re putting out to him, too, then you’re dead.” He looked around quickly to make sure no one saw before he stormed off. I took out my cell phone.
“Mommy? Hi, can you come get me? Yeah, I don’t feel good.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “Pleas e come. Okay. Thank you.” I ran down the stairs and hid in the girl’s bathroom until my mother came. I would go home. I would stay with her. I would be safe.
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